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I hate bears. They're fat, oversleeping, furry assholes. And can they leave a frickin' picnic basket alone for one minute? I don't think so. Bears have no emotional intelligence. None.

Try petting a bear. That's a no go. I mean, you can try, but that bear will claw your nads off like they were two blueberries in September. And they will not apologize for that. They'll just keep pawing through your trash like nothing even happened. Bears don't give a shit.

Speaking of shit, the forest is full of it. That bear you see is 10% bear skin and ninety percent intestines. When a bear eats your potato salad from the campsite, the salad barely has time to turn brown before it's getting pinched off on some innocent bush in the forest. And what did the bush do to deserve that? Nothing. You don't see humans do that sort of thing. No human ever says, "I think I'll drop a deuce on the cat." We humans respect nature. Bears don't. They pollute and they don't give a hoot.

And what does a bear do when it has an itchy ass? Does it buy some ointment and suffer silently like a proper mammal, or does it find some majestic redwood tree that is minding its own business and use it as an ass-scratcher? These questions answer themselves, folks.

Sometimes you hear of a trained bear in a Russian circus, riding a tiny bicycle, wearing an undersized hat, and you think how cute. But you only hear of those trained bears in Russia. Oh, there's a reason. It's because Russian men are not metrosexuals. That bear is actually a guy named Boris who hasn't trimmed his eyebrows or shaved his back in forty years. The circus doesn't even pay him. They just hand him a little hat, a little bicycle, and a pitcher of vodka. The rest just happens. So don't tell me how trainable bears are. While Boris is riding that tiny bike, bears are trying to break into your camper to eat your kids. Bears suck.

I'm afraid of anything that sleeps half the year without dying. Bears call it "hibernating" because it sounds better than lazy. That's nothing but good marketing. Those furry bastards even managed to become California's mascot, or state animal, or whatever-the-fuck. What kind of message does that send to our kids? If the state mammal can't get its furry ass out of its den for six months, how are we supposed to get the kids to school by 8 AM? I want my state animal to be a wise owl, or perhaps a porpoise that saves a surfer from a shark. I think I speak for all Californians when I say we don't want to be associated with bears. It makes the whole state look bad.

To make matters worse, after "hibernating," those lazy bastards spend the next six months, or whatever, eating shit that isn't even theirs. That's right: Bears are communists. They do not respect individual property rights. You think you own that ham sandwich on the picnic table? A bear doesn't think so.

I have never trusted bears, and now I hear they are recruiting humans to join their side. In San Francisco, for example, there are men with beards and leather clothing who identify themselves as bears. They act all nice, but after two drinks you won't believe what they suggest doing. It makes losing a picnic basket sound like a holiday. You might try it a few times just to be polite, but you always find yourself rubbing against a redwood tree afterwards just to make the itching stop.

There's a good reason that Wall Street calls a falling stock market a "bear market." And when you have a hard time accomplishing something you might say it was a "bear" of a time. You simply don't see bears associated with happy events.

Well, okay, there is one exception.

Someone once asked if I had ever had sex on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace. So I tried it a few times, and I have to say it was great. I guess that's why the taxidermist keeps the bear's mouth open in the roaring position. Someday I plan to add a human to the mix and see how the threesome goes.

 
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+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 8, 2013
I couldn't stop laughing

This was just what I needed after a hard day

Your serious stuff is usually very interesting, Scott, but please don't neglect the funny side of life - you are one of the best humorists I know

Thank you
 
 
Aug 3, 2013
Scott, a welcome break, and hysterical witty writing. I shared it with my wife. Like reading The Onion. You continue to impress and your different styles keep me reading every time you have something to say. Don't be frustrated by the few who were confused by this post. I think it's less about bad writing and more about the expectations of the proper who read the blog. Keep it up. Fascinating, brilliant, and versatile.
 
 
Aug 2, 2013
"Once upon a time, in a universe far, far away. . ."
 
 
Aug 1, 2013
I noticed this post didn't include the usual disclaimer at the top. I wonder what Gawker, Salon and HuffPo will do with this one.
 
 
Aug 1, 2013
Maybe if the bear dressed more like a golden retriever, we'd like him more. :)

Just joking, people! :P
 
 
Aug 1, 2013
Scott is channelling Stephen Colbert.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/21/rally-to-restore-sanitys-_4_n_772115.html
 
 
+8 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 1, 2013
LOL, I'm waiting to see what triggered this particular rant. Was Scott tied up and made to watch the Yogi Bear movie or did the wife and kids make him go to the Zoo, or did he stumble on a Bear doco on TV, or did he actually go on a picnic with the family and a bear pinched his picnic basket?

You don't just fly off like that for no reason, but very funny nonetheless.

The disturbing part is the mental picture of Scott self indulging on the bear skin and aiming the money shot at the bears open mouth.
 
 
Jul 31, 2013
Yeah, interesting and kinda funny, but mostly struck me as weird. Like someone having a crazy rant that was mostly based on Yogi Bear. Strikes me as a continuing social experiment related to the zimmerman topic.
 
 
+10 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 31, 2013
Couple of bear stories: When my kids were youngish, we lived in a remote area of Alaska for a time - with a heavy concentration of brown bears. I decided against carrying a gun for a number of reasons - but still wanted some protection. I armed the kids with air-horns and flashing lights -and, every morning, made them visualize how they would respond (e.g. not running) - if they encountered a bear.

Turns out the second approach - which seemed kind of flaky, even to me - was the only one that might have helped. A friend who worked on the pipeline said workers had been supplied with airhorns as well - and decided to test them out one day. The rode up close to a grizzly and fired off the airhorn in her ear (they were in a jeep). The bear never even flinched. Good to know....

While in AK, we met two brothers who had encountered a grizzly while hunting. One brother ran. The other did not. The bear shot past the brother who was standing still and attacked the runner - leaving a huge scar from his neck to his waist. (The other brother was able to shoot the bear before it got too far along.)

Later, one of my kids went backpacking for a week with tent-mate who was terrified of bears. He was determined to secure their sleeping quarters at night - so he would zip-tie the tent closed. My son said he was laughing so hard he wasn't able to choke out an explanation for why that was an ineffective deterrent.
 
 
Jul 31, 2013
Has Scott's blog been hijacked by J.K. Rowling writing under a ghost name of Scott Adams?
 
 
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 31, 2013
Well, as long as you have your cat to protect you, you are safe from bears:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57VbE0J9niw

 
 
Jul 31, 2013
Huzzah! The return of the comedic posts! For any of the newer readers that may've missed it, one of the funniest example of these posts in my opinion, is called Puppy Love.

http://www.dilbert.com/blog/entry/puppy_love/
 
 
Jul 31, 2013
I know you have this side to your humor, but you rarely indulge in it to this extent, and I have to wonder (not for the first time since I've been reading your posts), if you are hoping to make people upset. There was the post about men's rights. When I read it I thought, "Is Scott trying to get himself killed?" My 11-year-old boy gets a big kick out of making me angry, so I have to be very careful with how I react to his antics or the thing I intended to be a punishment turns out to be a reward. I'm guessing you were a lot like him.
 
 
Jul 31, 2013
OMG... that was so freaking funny, I laughed out loud the entire time I was reading it! Thanks for the great start to my morning, Scott!
 
 
+13 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 31, 2013
This post does have an air of either being by someone besides Scott or of being one of Scott's deliberate experiments.
 
 
Jul 31, 2013
I'm with AtlandaDude on this one. There are 'our kind of mammals', which just seem kind of humanish, then there's that other bunch of mammals, with their freaky slitty eyes, hooves and what have you. So:

Humankind:
Bears
Apes
Otters
Dogs

Freaks:
Goats
All Marsupials
Cats
Anything that eats grass or leaves





 
 
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 31, 2013
Whoa! Scott ate too many fermented mung beans today...

 
 
Jul 31, 2013
Funniest thing I've read in ages.
Laughed out loud at the San Fran bear analogy, hope that doesn't make me homophobic.

For me the worst mammal award has to go to cyclists, especially when they travel in packs.
May not be a big problem in the US but over here in the UK there's been a population explosion of these pests; riding two or three abreast blocking roads and being a general hazard to road users.
 
 
Jul 31, 2013
Did you know that California's flag was supposed to have a *pear* on it - not a *bear* - but someone misread the instruction when creating the first flag? True story - see http://www.snopes.com/lost/bearflag.asp .
 
 
Jul 31, 2013
I found the post hilarious. A fresh piece from Scott to break up the monotony. I laughed out loud more than once instead of just chuckling like I do for most of other posts.
I am sure there is some element of experimenting but this post worked for me - especially the juvenile humour sublimely crafted by Scott. Almost poetic I would say.

I do wish we had more experiments but not the Lady Gaga inspired kinds though.
 
 
 
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