I hate bears. They're fat, oversleeping, furry assholes. And can they leave a frickin' picnic basket alone for one minute? I don't think so. Bears have no emotional intelligence. None.

Try petting a bear. That's a no go. I mean, you can try, but that bear will claw your nads off like they were two blueberries in September. And they will not apologize for that. They'll just keep pawing through your trash like nothing even happened. Bears don't give a shit.

Speaking of shit, the forest is full of it. That bear you see is 10% bear skin and ninety percent intestines. When a bear eats your potato salad from the campsite, the salad barely has time to turn brown before it's getting pinched off on some innocent bush in the forest. And what did the bush do to deserve that? Nothing. You don't see humans do that sort of thing. No human ever says, "I think I'll drop a deuce on the cat." We humans respect nature. Bears don't. They pollute and they don't give a hoot.

And what does a bear do when it has an itchy ass? Does it buy some ointment and suffer silently like a proper mammal, or does it find some majestic redwood tree that is minding its own business and use it as an ass-scratcher? These questions answer themselves, folks.

Sometimes you hear of a trained bear in a Russian circus, riding a tiny bicycle, wearing an undersized hat, and you think how cute. But you only hear of those trained bears in Russia. Oh, there's a reason. It's because Russian men are not metrosexuals. That bear is actually a guy named Boris who hasn't trimmed his eyebrows or shaved his back in forty years. The circus doesn't even pay him. They just hand him a little hat, a little bicycle, and a pitcher of vodka. The rest just happens. So don't tell me how trainable bears are. While Boris is riding that tiny bike, bears are trying to break into your camper to eat your kids. Bears suck.

I'm afraid of anything that sleeps half the year without dying. Bears call it "hibernating" because it sounds better than lazy. That's nothing but good marketing. Those furry bastards even managed to become California's mascot, or state animal, or whatever-the-fuck. What kind of message does that send to our kids? If the state mammal can't get its furry ass out of its den for six months, how are we supposed to get the kids to school by 8 AM? I want my state animal to be a wise owl, or perhaps a porpoise that saves a surfer from a shark. I think I speak for all Californians when I say we don't want to be associated with bears. It makes the whole state look bad.

To make matters worse, after "hibernating," those lazy bastards spend the next six months, or whatever, eating shit that isn't even theirs. That's right: Bears are communists. They do not respect individual property rights. You think you own that ham sandwich on the picnic table? A bear doesn't think so.

I have never trusted bears, and now I hear they are recruiting humans to join their side. In San Francisco, for example, there are men with beards and leather clothing who identify themselves as bears. They act all nice, but after two drinks you won't believe what they suggest doing. It makes losing a picnic basket sound like a holiday. You might try it a few times just to be polite, but you always find yourself rubbing against a redwood tree afterwards just to make the itching stop.

There's a good reason that Wall Street calls a falling stock market a "bear market." And when you have a hard time accomplishing something you might say it was a "bear" of a time. You simply don't see bears associated with happy events.

Well, okay, there is one exception.

Someone once asked if I had ever had sex on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace. So I tried it a few times, and I have to say it was great. I guess that's why the taxidermist keeps the bear's mouth open in the roaring position. Someday I plan to add a human to the mix and see how the threesome goes.

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+14 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 31, 2013
It's really cute that you let your 12 year old nephew write a blog post for you while you were out of town, but from now on why not set up his own blog site for him and you can stick to writing the interesting thought provoking stuff?

I found this unbearable. (couldn't resist)
Jul 31, 2013
Dude, have a Snicker's Bar! You are not you when your hungry!
+11 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 30, 2013
Scott, Time to put down the Hemingway novel, finish the single malt, snuff the Cohiba out in your gorilla hand ash tray, put your 1911 Colt .45 back in its velvet lined ivory box, get up from your leather wing back chair, leave the study via walking across the bear skin rug, don your finest Hefner silk pajamas, brush your teeth, and go to bed. You've had a long day.
Jul 30, 2013
Old joke: Hunter in the woods is surprised by a grizzly. He drops his gun and runs, bear in pursuit.

The hunter stumbles, unable to get us, and desperately prays: "Dear God, make this bear a Christian!"

The grizzly, just about to rip into the hunter, rears up on his hind legs and freezes for a moment. Sentience floods into his eyes, followed a profound look of awe. He turns his gaze skywards and raises his paws. He speaks.

"For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful. Amen."
Jul 30, 2013
I've been faithfully reading the blog for years now, and while those of you defending the strip as funny are more or less correct, those of us thinking that something is out of character are more correct. Part of me wonders if this isn't some sort of social experiment... how will we react to a post that's kind of funny, but not funny in Scott's usual way. Something's missing... I think it's the "left-fielders" - the insights and comments that come out of left field and surprise me and make me LMAO. This post is not much more than Yogi Bear with some scatalogical references sprinkled in.

Everyone has an off day - for example, I should be working and here I am reading the Dilbert blog and responding with a comment. I patiently await the next gem.
Jul 30, 2013
Crap; autocorrected. I meant 'I love how,' not 'involve how'.
Jul 30, 2013
Inlove how the newer readers are totally confused right now. Nice to see a funny post again!
Jul 30, 2013
What about whales ? They kill billions of innocent krill every year. And then they defecate in our precious oceans. Much of which ends up on some of our finest beaches.
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 30, 2013
Yay! Back to funny blog posts! Paragraphs 2 and 3 are up there with the vintage automatic soap dispenser rants.
Jul 30, 2013
What a refreshing blog entry. You want to get targeted by animal rights activists?

Somewhat related http://petapixel.com/2013/07/27/outdoor-nature-cam-captures-a-veritable-bear-hoedown/.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 30, 2013

Man, that was extremely funny Scott. Good to know you still got it.
+10 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 30, 2013
Scott, is that you?
+6 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 30, 2013
Scott laid his feeling bare, to tear bears' behinds into pairs.
Jul 30, 2013
Thanks for the laughs - funniest thing you've written in a while Scott. Some of trhe folks here seen to have forgotten that among other thins you're also a humorist...
+3 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 30, 2013
I think we are being hypnotized. Guess we'll find out later...
+6 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 30, 2013
I think Scott's throwing some bait out there for some lurker to use as blog fodder on jezebel.

Watch out; the s#!@storm cometh.
Jul 30, 2013
The bear rug is not really an exception to your overall thesis that the only good bear is a dead bear.
Jul 30, 2013
I have a long-held pet theory, based on absolutely no science, that humans did not evolve solely from apes, but that there was also a bear or two somewhere in that ancestry chain.

My theory is supported by the following "evidence"

- Most apes don't eat meat
- Humans also seem to exhibit many of the behaviors that Scott mentions.
- Some people that I know just look a lot more like bears than apes.
+11 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 30, 2013
I'm amused, disturbed, and a little curious.
Jul 30, 2013
Colbert feels the same way.
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