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I wonder what kind of tricks the CIA is using against Al Qaeda these days.
If I were in the CIA, I would try to flood the terrorist communication channels with false orders. Some of the false orders would be simple stuff, such as "Everyone gather by the big rock and wait for a big delivery of explosives."

Other times you might say, "Salame is a mole for the CIA. He must die." I figure the terrorists are like any other bureaucracy, and the workers will focus first on whatever is sitting in front of them while ignoring long term planning. And it's probably fair to assume that, like your workplace, no one really trusts anyone else. I think you could keep terrorists busy killing each other until they run out of recruits.

Terror networks are perfect targets for false communications. First, the real orders sound exactly like pranks. It would be hard to sort out the evil mastermind plots from the CIA practical jokes. For example, if you get the order to shove C4 up your ass and yell WALAWALAWALA while running toward a heavily armed American Checkpoint, is that a real one or a prank? It's hard to tell.

Second, the lines of communication within terror networks are presumably ever-changing, and necessarily involve strangers who wouldn't recognize the voice or face of the other. It wouldn't take many stories of CIA compromises to the system before no terrorist trusts anything he hears. Any real orders would be ignored.

I assume the terrorists are avoiding electronic communications because those would be the first channels the CIA compromised. This puts the terrorists in the position of trying to run a virtual meeting with operatives across the globe by sending human messengers. Assuming these terrorists are no more capable than your own coworkers, you know exactly how that's working out for
them:

Abdullah: Your orders are to blow up the Belgian Embassy in Waziristan.

Salame: What is a Belgian?

Abdullah: I think it's some sort of American. Or a waffle.

Salame: I don't think there are any embassies in Waziristan.

Abdullah: Maybe it was someplace else. It started with a W. Or an M.

Saleme: Perhaps you could get clarification and come back.

Abdullah: Fine. I'll see you in four months. Oh, and Bin Laden wants your status report in front of his cave by 8 AM.
 
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Feb 1, 2010
"anything that can't be described briefly is probably a bad idea"

I knew it! Women ARE a bad idea!
 
 
Jan 13, 2010
So few posts... afraid the CIA is listening in?
 
 
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 12, 2010
Now all I can think about are Salami Waffles.
Mmmmm...
 
 
Jan 12, 2010
so all we have to do to stop terrorism is send out a spoof email telling all al qaeda cells that due to recent inconsistencies in quality assurance ("fruit of the boom") they are all required to implement six sigma programs immediately and without exception.

problem solved! that'll be $12,000,000,000 please...
 
 
+4 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 12, 2010
At work we know we’re doing the wrong thing when we find a Dilbert cartoon describing our actions. You know something is wrong when real life turns into Monty Python:

The use of steroids and amphetamines amongst today’s players has greatly subsided and is virtually nonexistent, as our testing results have shown,” Selig said in a statement”

Monty Python:

and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find any toothmarks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And, finally, !$%*!$%*!$% is right out.


 
 
Jan 12, 2010
I agree Scott, it's got to be a legitimate source of humour. But just remember the comically inept portrayals of the Islamic terrorists in "True Lies", or even in "Back to the Future" - very funny, but hugely offensive, and none of us was laughing as far as I remember when they managed to pull off 9-11.

Maybe the goofy characters in the next movie should be the comically inept CIA guys themselves - just as much comic gold there surely?
 
 
Jan 12, 2010
The very word "secrecy" is repugnant in a free and open society; and we are as a people inherently and historically opposed to secret societies, to secret oaths and to secret proceedings. We decided long ago that the dangers of excessive and unwarranted concealment of pertinent facts far outweighed the dangers which are cited to justify it. Even today, there is little value in opposing the threat of a closed society by imitating its arbitrary restrictions. Even today, there is little value in insuring the survival of our nation if our traditions do not survive with it. And there is very grave danger that an announced need for increased security will be seized upon by those anxious to expand its meaning to the very limits of official censorship and concealment. That I do not intend to permit to the extent that it is in my control. And no official of my Administration, whether his rank is high or low, civilian or military, should interpret my words here tonight as an excuse to censor the news, to stifle dissent, to cover up our mistakes or to withhold from the press and the public the facts they deserve to know.

We are opposed around the world by a monolithic and ruthless conspiracy. That relies on primarily on covet means for expanding its fear of influence. On infiltration instead of invasion. On subversion instead of elections. On intimidation instead of free choice, on guerillas by night instead of armies by day. It is a system which has conscripted, vast human and material resources into the building of a tightly nit highly efficient machine that combines military, diplomatic, intelligence, economic, scientific, and political operations. Its preparations are concealed, not published. Its mistakes are buried, not headlined. Its dissenters are silenced not praised. No expenditure is questioned, no rumor is printed, no secret is revealed.

You have nothing to fear but... (cue sniper echo) [CIA edit:] al qaeda
 
 
Jan 12, 2010
Very funny! I agree with the comment about making it into a film - it would be great!
 
 
Jan 11, 2010
Re Ellenra's comment:
Jokes apart, you may be more right than you think.
A few hundred years ago, Indian soldiers revolted against British Rule, presumably because somebody spread the rumour that their bullets were coated with animal fat. The Hindus were told it was cow fat - and cows are holy to the Hindus. The Muslims were told it was pig fat - and pigs are unclean to the Muslims. End result - a revolution which is now known as the First War of Independance.
 
 
+7 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 11, 2010
Scott said, "For example, if you get the order to shove C4 up your ass and yell WALAWALAWALA while running toward a heavily armed American Checkpoint,.......... "

ROFLMAO, that mental picture will keep me going for the rest of the day.

Since the CIA is (allegedly) so good at arms running, maybe they should do a bait and switch and pass off a shipment of adult "marital aids" as special high intensity rectally mounted explosives. Wait til the taliban steal them and watch the fun when Abdullah runs in yelling WALALALALALALA with a ginormous !$%*!$%* in his keister and the expression on his face when he tries to detonate it and just turns it on high.
 
 
Jan 11, 2010
painfully funny. i really feel sorry for CIA types.. all their secrets, lies, codes used for the purpose of tracking down terrorists; saving lives

it's much more fun to be a romantic -to take the 1st letter of each third word in every other paragraph of the top three songs and arrange them until they somehow spell out "i love you"

and then let the number of letters you had to throw out equal the number of babies you'll make together.

i find women are better at this than men.
 
 
Jan 11, 2010
Unfortunately, the CIA probably hasn't figured out how these folks are communicating yet based on the relatively low kill rate and the fact that Osama has remained at large for so long. Like a cell phone, most forms of communications are traceable. One has to be able to at least intercept valid communications before you can try to flood them with bogus data. Good luck! (This is doomed because...)
 
 
Jan 11, 2010
I had a horror vision. Imagine Maryltn Monroe's most famous photograph - thw windy one. Then replace her with a Sheikh.
 
 
Jan 11, 2010
Hey Censor, P.A.S.H.T.O. is a real language, not a bad word.
 
 
Jan 11, 2010
All it would take is lots of secret agents who speak fluent Arabic and !$%*!$% They should also probably be able to practice, or appear to practice, Islam. I wonder how many agents like that we have?

Moreover, It's been hard to tell if recent "incidents" are actually plots. Suppose I'm a terrorist mastermind and this Richard Reid guy shows up at my cave. He's British, so I've got to consider that maybe M sent him. I can't really put him on an important assignment, so I give him some menial job. The guy just won't stop volunteering to take over the world. I just don't have the time to figure out if he's sincere. Meanwhile, my bomb expert is having a hard time getting this no-metal shoe bomb to work. I have to make a management decision, and so I decide to pull the plug on the shoe bomb and start working on liquid explosives. The bomb guy asks "Hey Boss, what you wanna me to do with the shoe bomb prototypes?" What pops into my head? I call that British wanna-be and send him on a mission.

Sure, I know that darn shoe thingy has a 1 in 10 chance of working. No need to tell Reid that. If it works, I'll say extra prayers for the guy figuring God really wanted him to succeed. If it doesn't work, I'll have sent the American dogs down a dead end checking shoes for the next 20 years. Prank or Plot, it works either way.
 
 
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 11, 2010
Wow, the censors take out the verb but not the noun? Weird.

That bleeped out word is "ur!nated"
 
 
+4 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 11, 2010
I like to read books that are centuries old, and a year ago came across one that had instructions for making your own gunpowder. It started with "Take some soil which hath been heavily !$%*!$%* on . . . "

This opens up a possible deterrent. Since Islam considers certain animals to be "unclean", to the point where even the search dogs used by our military are required to wear booties when entering a muslim home, just start letting slip that the nitrates used in gunpowder and explosives are made from pig urine :p
 
 
+6 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 11, 2010
I would love to be the guy whose job it is to come up with fake orders. My first would be something along the lines of insisting on a mid-year performance review process.
 
 
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 11, 2010
Just "... connect the dots." Very funny

..
 
 
Jan 11, 2010
Sounds like a film in the making, I'll pitch it if you don't.

You've opened the doors to conspiracy theory here Scott.

They're all in cahoots, you're one of them, etc...

[actually are you one of them?]
 
 
 
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