Last night we went to watch the new Transformers movie on the big iMax screen. As we got out of the car in the theater parking lot, in a rush to get good seats, a young man approached and asked if we had jumper cables.

Luckily I did not have jumper cables, because if I did, I knew we would be late for the movie. I did my best to make a face that said, "I sure wish I could help," while being secretly gleeful that this was officially not my problem.

I wondered if the young man thought I was lying about not having jumper cables. My fake sincerity face looks like a mime with an intestinal infection. I felt I needed to sell my concern just a bit more, but without making us late for the movie. So I asked, "Do you have a cell phone?"

Now keep in mind that 110% of all young men his age group, at least around here, have cell phones. The figure is higher than 100% because some people carry two, in case one has a low battery. So there was no real risk of him asking to use my phone. And besides, who goes to the movies alone at that age? Surely his pack of friends was nearby, all with cell phones if not jumper cables.

But no. This was the one young man in the solar system who had no phone, no friends, and a dead battery. So I handed him my beloved BlackBerry and hoped he wouldn't start running in the other direction. He looked fast. But he was legit, and dialed his mom.

If you want to imagine how his end of the conversation went, recall George Costanza from Seinfeld talking to his mother. It went something like this:

Guy: "Can you tell Dad to come get me? My battery is dead."

Guy: "Why does it matter?? I was listening to the radio. Just tell Dad..."

Guy: "Just tell Dad..."

Guy: "Mom, can you just tell Dad to..."


Meanwhile, I'm tapping my feet, looking around, trying to look impatient without crossing the line into full jerk mode. I don't want to get the worst seat in the iMax theater. That's not a good one.

Now the young man's conversation turns to describing where he will be standing when his father arrives.

Guy: "I don't know, maybe near Fudruckers."


Guy: "Or maybe by Game Stop. Near Fudruckers. Or I could just walk over and stand by the Game Stop. It's by Fudruckers. Fudruckers. Fudruckers."

Surely this conversation was coming to an end, I assumed. I imagined only one seat left in the theater. My heart was pumping and my palms were sweaty. We already had our tickets. I sent my best ESP messages to him: Please hang up. Please hang up. But things only got worse.

Guy: "I think it's in the dryer."

Guy: "Yes, in the dryer. Because it was wet."

Guy: "I know you think it was on the couch but it's in the dryer."

Guy: "Yes, I'm sure it's in the dryer. JUST LOOK IN THE DRYER!!!"

At that point I reached my limit. I started giving the slice-my-own-neck signal to him to cut the call short. I mouthed "We're late for the movie." He got the hint.

Guy: "Mom, I have to go."

Guy: "Look in the dryer."

Guy: "Because I have a borrowed phone."

Guy: "Just look in the dryer. And tell Dad I'll be by the Game Stop."

Guy: "Not Fudruckers, but next to it. By the Game Stop."


Phone retrieved, we raced to the theater. There were exactly two seats left, on the far end, in the front. If you haven't been to an iMax theater, the screen is the size of a three story building. From my vantage point up close I could tell that motion was happening on the screen, but I couldn't discern what it was. I think the movie was about robots that fight, but I can't be sure.

I spent the next two and a half hours wishing I could meet the a-hole who decided to squeeze a few more seats into the iMax theater by putting them where no human being could enjoy the show. I'm peaceful by nature, but I'd make an exception for that guy.

Attempting to look at the screen was a losing strategy because it was just headache inducing. Luckily I can nap literally anywhere. I even fall asleep when I'm having my teeth cleaned (true). So I had a nice snooze through most of the movie, and I needed it. I guess it all worked out.

Rank Up Rank Down Votes:  +33
  • Print
  • Share


Sort By:
Jul 30, 2009
i bet there was not a pay phone there. why not ? not all carry phones around. but its hard not to
Jul 30, 2009
did they give you what they said they would. no, ask for your money back. tell them why. . then ask louder and louder. they will, 1 call the cops. 2 give you your money back. missed that pic. even the part where obama goes nuts with fear and the army has to take over.
Jul 24, 2009
you are so cool man! totally rasta relaxed! :D
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 14, 2009
u r one sucker

no good deed goes unpunished

r u trying to get brownie points with god

i have no time for idiots - this guy could have gone and searched for a pay phone.
Jul 14, 2009
I have a few questions for dilbert. (1) What points were you trying to get across by writing this blog? (2) Who is your audience? (3) What led you to write this blog? (4) What does this blog reveal about you? If there are any other discussions that you would love to discuss, that would be great. I am writing a paper on this blog and I need some help from you if you don't mind. I would greatly appreciate it. My e-mail address is Nathleen04@gmail.com. Thanks a bunch!
Jul 7, 2009
...the only guy in the world without a phone... lol. I don't have one either, (I'm almost 27) but the conversation sounded exactly like something that would have gone on. (Actually it sounds a lot like most of the conversations I have when I am away from the house and call home).

Sorry you didn't get a better seat. That sucks, too, being stuck on a far end where you're looking at a acute diagonal, unable to discern anything on the screen. Been there, done that. At least you made it, I guess... It sounds like you're going to have to go again, just so you can arrive earlier and get a better seat.
Jul 6, 2009
a coworker sent me a url to a review of that movie that compared it to "Howard the Duck"...

Howard the Duck - man, that's just cold...
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 6, 2009
You should definitely go through your placed calls list, and call the mother back and ask her what was in the God-damn dryer, and tell her to get her son some AAA or at least jumper cables for his next B-day... and get you one of those cardboard life-size cut-outs' of Megan Fox.

You done good, you should always stop to help someone in need. That kid may have ended up chopped into little pieces and mailed back to his mother by some maniac if you had not offered to provide him with your cell phone.

You saved his life.

Think about it.

Now stop thinking about it.

And stop reading...
Jul 6, 2009
Did you just purchase a Fudruckers, or a Gamestop, perchance?
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 6, 2009
Hmmmmm....So many memories!

Let's see...the one that stands out the most is the time I told my father I was going to call the police and have him charged with child abuse for being an unmitigated jerk. (This was the early '80s when it was still legal for parents to BE unmitigated jerks.)

A few seconds later, I saw stars and was on the floor in a senseless heap after being clocked by a right roundhouse from my Mother. (Mom got strong from working on the farm. "Yes, Virginia! People do live on farms! It's where food comes from!")

For a moment...just a brief moment...I had a vision of this kid in the iMax parking lot being sent flying by a right cross from my mother:



(I am well aware of the impossibility of hitting someone through a cell phone. I was thinking about what would happen to this kid when he walked into my house circa 1980 after getting a jump from AAA.)

Of course, Mom really would go to jail on child abuse charges then.

SIGH.....What happened to the days when you could legally clock your kids? Perhaps I'm regressing and longing for the "Good Ole Days"?

Anyone seen my subscription to "Reminisce" magazine???
-2 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 5, 2009
In addition to having cables, just say your phone's battery is near-dead, or your service wasn't working, or the roaming charges are insane. Once it's clear you're more trouble than you're worth, he'll move on to someone else.

Who these days doesn't at least have basic AAA service and a phone card, at least, if they don't have a cell phone?
Jul 4, 2009
Kudos for you for being nice.

Here's a link to the only frame in the movie you might have enjoyed seeing.

Rest of the movie was all motion blur.
Jul 3, 2009
Scott's brains seem to have frozen after watching the noisiest movie ever. Hasn't posted anyting since last few days.

I remember long time back, I saw a movie about spaceships fighting each other. Lots of lazers and lights flashing and noise all over the place. By the time it ended I was in a sort of a trance. Somehow managed to drive back home without hitting something or someone. And next morning, try as I might, I just could not remember anything about the drive back home or where I had parked the car the previous night. My brain was so fogged.

Has anybody experienced anything like this?
Jul 3, 2009
Scott - I can assure you that you didn't miss anything. I had a perfectly good (and very expensive) seat to see this movie and I still couldn't understand what the hell is going on. There seems to be a new trend to make action so fast that people eyeballs explode trying to track what is going on.

Also someone should tell those Hollywood jerks that the Pyramids are nowhere near the Gulf of Aqaba! Idiots.
+4 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 3, 2009
People who drive without cell phones and/or roadside assistance should ALWAYS carry jumper cables and instant tire inflating foam. And make sure the spare tire is actually inflated.

You should have seen the look on the face of the guy driving the shiny BMW when I stopped to help him put on his spare (didn't even know where to look for it, let alone how to put it on!)...only to find it was flat, too. But his face sure lit up when I dug out my little 12V air compressor.

To this day he's probably never told anyone he was helped out by a girl.
Jul 3, 2009
Actually all i have to say is, "What was in the dryer?" Everything else makes unfortunate good sense.

(I'm missing something, aren"t i?)
Jul 2, 2009
Okay, I saw the movie yesterday with my kids, and I refuse to believe that you were able to sleep through that. It was a pretty good movie, the plot was more than a little stretched, but it was good. And of course, Megan Fox was HOT!! Can't wait for the third movie.

Oh, and the reason Dad wasn't home is he was tired of listening to Mom and is sitting in his car in front of Boston Pizza.
Jul 2, 2009
I also fell asleep in the Transformers movie. Because it sucked. I dreamed of exploding hot pants that trasformed into guns and the guns became legs that ran around yelling and exploding. Or something like that. My dream was much better than the movie.
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 2, 2009
I think the father is in the dryer.

I do like Fudruckers, we have one right next to an IMAX theatre also, but no Gamestop.

Perhaps it was a ploy to pick up your Blackberry number on his home phone caller ID. Any crank calls recently?
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 1, 2009
I agree with pas. Definitely a laugh-worthy post.
Get the new Dilbert app!
Old Dilbert Blog