I had planned to read the reports of inappropriate witticisms that many of you submitted yesterday and put the best one in today's post. It turns out that there is a problem with that plan: I really don't want anyone to know which one of those stories made me laugh hardest.

Somewhere in the darkest part of my mind there's a little dark room. And inside that room is a closet. And inside the closet is a little box, covered with a wool blanket. That's the place I plan to keep some of your stories, so I can laugh about them later without anyone knowing what a sick bastard I am.

The second problem is that picking a winner would be impossible. There are so many side-splitters in the group that I declare you all winners in your own way.

I have a theory that people who enjoy the darkest forms of humor don't subscribe to superstition, or to conformity unless it has a purpose. That probably describes Dilbert Blog readers pretty well.

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Oct 23, 2009
The Christmas shopping season is about to get into high gear, and this year's big-ticket item for the kiddies is Zhu Zhu Pet Hamsters. Granted, some of us goofy people ask why Zhu Zhu Pet Hamsters, since we got hamsters and gerbils and therefore learned responsibility when we were kids, but that would be a rational thought. (This isn't allowed.) Zhu Zhu Pets are robotic "pets" with some artificial intelligence, and are fingered to be one of the hottest sales for Holidays 2009 already. It's the hot new thing, so that means that a lot of people are going to line up a cash advance to get some <a rev="vote for" title="Zhu Zhu Pet Hamsters | The Hottest Toy for the Holidays 2009?" href="http://personalmoneystore.com/moneyblog/2009/10/14/zhu-zhu-pet-hamsters-the-hottest-toy-for-the-holidays-2009/ ">Zhu Zhu Pet Hamsters</a>.
Sep 18, 2009
Many years ago when I was just 18 I briefly met a new coworker at the AAA. The next day when I came in, there she was, already seated at her station. After smiling and saying hello I stopped dead and screamed, and then I said in a tone of greatest urgency, "Oh my God there's a huge bug crawling on your arm!"

To which she replied, "That's a mole."

It was about two inches long and covered with long, lush, dark hair.

Sep 17, 2009
What the heck, better late than never.

Two stories, one unintentional and one ridiculously inappropriate.

First -- it was when the news broke that Chastity Bono was intending to undergo gender reassignment surgery. It came up during a pub conversation, and a friend of mine was trying to make the point that any child of Cher's would probably have an easier time of this than the average joe(sephine) considering this procedure. I believe his exact quote was, "So, you want to be a guy now? Sure, here's five million dollars, go nuts."

Second -- and I have to admit this is hearsay, but the source is unimpeachable. My buddy's on a high school trip, and he spends his time hanging out with a guy (let's call him Steve) who has a reputation for a sharper-than-average tongue. I have no idea what sparked this comment, but Steve plays the, "Oh yeah? Well, I f---ed your mother last night," card on some poor kid. The kid replies, in all seriousness, "My mother's dead." Most mere mortals shrivel up and die at that point, but what has made Steve a legend for the last fifteen years is that he didn't miss a beat when he replied, "Well, that explains the lack of movement."
Sep 17, 2009
The least you can do is publish the runner up.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 17, 2009
Trouble picking a winner? I suggest that you incorporate some kind of a simple ratings system that allows readers to rank comments (perhaps as simple as clicking on a thumbs-up or thumbs-down). Then, without admitting any personal sickness and picking completely objectively based on the wisdom of the masses, you could determine which posts your readers might find the most enjoyable.

Just a thought.
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Sep 17, 2009
Sorry to arrive late at the party, but my best/worst comment was to my wife many years ago. I told her she had the body of a model. She replied, "Do you really think so?". Yes, I said, a Model T Ford. She's now my ex-wife.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 17, 2009
Only one thing can beat these comments:

Sep 17, 2009
Scott: "I have a theory that people who enjoy the darkest forms of humor don't subscribe to superstition, or to conformity unless it has a purpose. That probably describes Dilbert Blog readers pretty well"

I like the 'cold reading' demo - nice! Religious readers will interpret it their way, atheists will laugh at the silly religous types etc., but we all sound cool! Everyone is susceptible to flattery - for instance even if you recognise it you will aprreciate being important enough to be flattered.

For the record I thought yesterdays comment thread was the funniest yet. So I did get a little tickle from your statement though I saw through it straight off the bat.
Sep 17, 2009
Apparently when playing a team shoot em up game on a computer, "oops" is an inapropriate way to explain that you had just died leaving your partners flanks exposed to the massed hords of Zombies... Saddly I was laughing too hard to explain what i meant before he died.
Sep 16, 2009
Well the comments have gotten the old brain cells working, well while in college I had the misfortune to come across an old gentleman who had recently died of a heart attack in the street just outside the student union bar, being uncertain as to what to to do being young I asked the bar manger and friends what we should do next, quick as a flash a friend piped up "well did you go through his pockets". Not appropriate in my book.
Sep 16, 2009
I'm a little late to the party, but I have a couple of good stories I think are worth telling. Back in my college days around 10 years ago I was playing a pen and paper RPG called "Tales from the Floating Vagabond," which featured a bar floating in space and placed particular importance on doing things as humorously as possible.

There were about six of us in the group including the game master. As we were going through our adventure, one of the guys started talking about hosting our group at the house he rented with a roommate. The place was a typical college pig sty and he made the comment that he and his roommate would probably have to pull their beds out of the living room, to which I quickly shot back, "Or at least pull them apart." As the entire group erupted into fits of uncontrollable laughter, the two roommates were apparently trying every method in the book to flip me the bird and give me menacing looks.

Later on that night, two of our group were trapped in a flying car that was about to explode. One of the guys was a selfish, backstabbing thief who happened to have a wish that he had completely forgotten about. When the other guy in the car reminded him of it, the thief thanked him for remembering, and then said, "I wish 'I' was safely out of this car." He put extra emphasis on the "I" in the sentence. Again, we all erupted into laughter as the game master whisked him safely out of the car right before it exploded with the other poor guy still trapped inside. The guy actually survived the explosion through some lucky die rolls, and the game master gave the thief bonus experience points on the spot for playing in character so well.

I'll never forget that night for as long as I live.
Sep 16, 2009
Well got one more and I feel guilty on this one, well I had gone to a local real ale festival at my nearest city, where the ale was stronger than I was used to, and having more than my fair share went home after it had finished which was well in time time to consume some more at the local village pub.
Well I manged to meet a couple of women who I had gone to school with, and one had always been on the chubby side. The conversation went went well reminiscing about old times etc until for some unknown reason I blurted out "so tell me why are so fat". They have never spoken to me since for obvious reasons ,I felt really bad after wards when I learned she had a thyroid condition. I think the strong ale made me a little to truthful.
Sep 16, 2009
I didn't get this story in on last post, but it isn't exactly the theme anyway. It isn't a "said something inappropriate" story but a "only one who laughed" story. While in training at the rehab hospital where I was to be a CNA, one of our trainers was discussing one of the doctors. "And then we have Dr. Stevenson, who is wheel-chair bound. So when it comes to working with people with disabilities, he doesn't just talk the talk, he walks the walk."

My snickering was met with equal looks of distaste and appreciation that the distasteful looks were being drawn to me.
Sep 16, 2009
Well just the other day the wife mentioned she had seen a large number of yellow short buses traveling together and she wondered what they were up to too, and I quipped back (I am going to hell for this one), "maybe they were having a round up".
At which point we could not stop laughing for quite some time.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 16, 2009
My girlfriend's mother was in the hospital recovering from surgery to remove a brain tumor. We were arguing about something and she was really getting on my case, picking relentlessly at some detail I barely understood. I figure I went temporarily insane because I broke my silence and replied with "Well, at least MY mother has hair."

Won the battle, lost the war.
Sep 16, 2009
I was working as a computer support tech on an upper floor of a smoke-free office building. One of the older techs, whose wife was closely watching his expenses for evidence he had not quit smoking, would often follow other smokers downstairs to share their cigarettes. The other smokers didn't mind, as he was well-liked and humorous.
He said, referring to a young intern on our support team, "I'm going downstairs to smoke Joe's Camels."

I said, "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"
A few people laughed, but I had expected a better response; I looked around to find mostly angry stares.

Unknown to that tech and to me, nasty remarks and (untrue) rumors about young Joe's sexual orientation had, earlier that day, caused him to complain to our manager about several other members of the team. All of those team members, and that manager, were present. It sounded to Joe as though his confidential complaint had become a staff joke... the manager thought someone had inappropriately leaked the information to me... and the subjects of Joe's complaint just wanted, to a man, to KILL me.
Sep 16, 2009
One time I was working at [company] and a couple of my friends from the various departments were talking about how loose the new girl was because she had kids at such a young age and probably a milf. Anyhow, the first thing she said to me was "All men are dogs, you're not a doggy are you?"

To that I had responded "Call me bro when my hat's on forward and call me a doggy when my hat's backwards" .... she thought it was funny, she talked about it incessantly, but I don't think it actually clicked for her until about a month later what I meant by that, she told a fellow co-worker about it and that guy explained to her that I was probably talking about doggy style. That SOB, she went and told management and that ended up getting me fired. I'm sure my co-worker picked up my shift too.
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 16, 2009
I also joined the party late and so I will share my moment here in hopes of tickling scott's deep pit of dark humor.

I was talking to an employee that was being a problem. He got mad at me in fron the team and said, "You're just like my Dad!!!"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Why, because he didn't sleep with your mom either?"

Hooting followed from the crowd of stunned people and the employee soon quit.
Sep 16, 2009
Sorry - first post - the post below was to read "dark humor"
Sep 16, 2009
I consider myself to subscribe to some pretty humor, and also do not subscribe to superstition of any sort - I would like to know how you have drawn the relationship between these topics?
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