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When I was in my mid-twenties I attended a singles mixer in San Francisco, held outdoors on a pier. It was a frightening place for a shy person. One very Dilbert-looking fellow (literally), in a brown leisure suit, went straight to the outdoor bar and started ordering stiff drinks. I watched in awe as he chugged one after another, trying to find some social courage. Unfortunately he reached the blackout point before he reached the witty and charming sweet spot. I happened to be looking in his direction when he started to topple, like a diseased redwood tree. He was probably unconscious before he hit the pavement because he never used his hands to break the fall. It was a full-on face plant in cement. I didn't see him move again, even after the emergency crews arrived, although I assume he recovered.

Anyway, as the emergency crews worked on him, right in front of the outdoor bar, while the assembled crowd watched in horror, I walked up to the bar and said in an overloud voice, "I'll have what he had."

This witticism did not go over as well as I hoped. The bartender went into full legal defense mode, explaining that the fallen gentleman must have had many drinks before he even showed up. And none of the single women came up to me later and said anything like "That was very witty. I must have you." It was one of my more inappropriate moments.

Tell us your most inappropriate witticism. What's the worst thing you ever said out loud?

 
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Jun 15, 2010
1. I get very cranky and impatient. when I get too hungry. One day I was driving with my wife, and starving. We were waiting at a red light. My wife was telling me in great detail about her latest sewing project.

Her sewing project.

I tried to listen but eventually I couldn't take any more and said, "Honey, when I'm this hungry everything you say is annoying." Whoops.

2. After my buddies at work first told me about Tiger Woods getting busted cheating, I said, "That Tiger really puts the !$%*!$ in !$%*!$%*! waitress.'"
 
 
Oct 2, 2009
A few years back at my university, a student was jaywalking in the middle of the night in winter with her iPod on full blast. She was struck by a salt truck and killed. Everyone was upset and viewing this as a huge tragedy. Candlelight vigils abounded.

What did I say when I heard the news?

"I guess she was *snicker* asSAULTed in the dead of night!"

I have never been on the receiving end of so many angry glares.
 
 
Sep 27, 2009
Sorry. I thought these are screened first before they are posted. I did not expect this to be published! :-O
 
 
+3 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 26, 2009
I work in the ICU at a large hospital. Recently, we had a patient who we refer to as being "DOV," short for "dead on vent," a patient who is chronically critically ill but who will never ever die. The attending physician was outside her door, and in a louder than I intended voice I asked him if he "would be ordering that Taxidermy consult anytime soon."

The patient's family, as it turns out, was right behind me. And they were not amused.

Whoops.
 
 
Sep 25, 2009
A couple of decades ago I was doing a University music degree. During a composition workshop our lecturer, a well-known Australian composer, announced to us the sad news of the death of his American friend John Cage. Cage was an experimental composer who is most famous for his controversial piece 4'33", which consists of four minutes and thirty three seconds of silence. So I thought my suggestion was entirely appropriate - that we all observe four minutes and thirty three seconds of silence. Well that's approximately the amount of time the entire class glared at me, unamused...
 
 
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 21, 2009
A while back at a staff meeting a cow-orker related that one of his horses had gotten out overnight and been hit and killed by a Pepsi truck in front of his house. When the county was cleaning up the road they just picked up the horse with a loader and dropped it over his fence into his front yard. Without thinking (obviously) I said, "On a positive note, there's a big barbeque at Butch's house this weekend."
 
 
Sep 21, 2009
A small group of friends were over at one guy's house hanging out. Ordered Chinese for dinner. The girlfriend of the guy opened her fortune cookie and read it out loud. I don't remember the exact words, but it was about personal growth. Unfortunately it was really awkwardly phrased, and instead of being encouraging, it focused everyones thoughts on the girls noticeable weight gain over the last 6months. Being the chivalrous man that I am, I broke the awkward silence that followed, by saying, "Holy !$%* <name>! Even the Chinese have noticed!"
 
 
+9 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 21, 2009
Not sure if this belongs here - but funny none the less...
When I was much younger my niece came to stay with my parents for a few months in the summer while her parents were moving about. I used to play this game where i'd poke her on the nose and say "Boink", it always got a giggle and what not. One day my parents got a call from her pre-school, because she had told her teachers that her Uncle had been Boinking her..
 
 
Sep 20, 2009
I've already read the post explaining that you won't be posting any story in particular, but I simply had to post mine. It wasn't something I said, but something a high school teach said years ago.

It was in my second semester in 9th grade. I was in english class - along with 25 or so other 9th graders bursting with puberty-like hormones - which was being taught by the kindly Mrs. Johnson. She was wonderfully nice with short, curly brown hair. She was everything an innocent high school english teacher should be. Valentine's Day was looming on the horizon, & along with it, the school Valentine's Day dance of unbridled awkwardness. As it happened, we were studying Romeo & Juliet, & on that particular day, the scene where the two lovers met.

As the conversation deepened, we began (for whatever reason) discussing what was & was not appropriate for a young man in this modern age to wear for an evening at his school Valentine's Day dance of unbridled awkwardness. One of the male hormone buckets jokingly suggested wearing a large, 3-dimensional heart costume, in the style of sports mascots. Mrs. Johnson laughed & said "well I don't know. Girls, what would you think if one of these guys showed up on your doorstep with a big heart on?" She enjoyed a split second of comfort before suddenly realizing what her words sounded like. The class erupted in the fashion of a gleeful atom bomb.

We finished our discussion early that day.
 
 
+6 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 19, 2009
A few years ago my father had died at a young age. Shortly after, his beloved sister died too, in her forties.
My sister and I stood depressed at the funeral, discussing the family misfortune, when one of the relatives came to us and asked:
"well - what about the third?".
I was shocked speechless, but my sister - who is wittier - answered shortly: "we haven't yet decided
who it will be".

It turned out the guy was asking about the whereabouts of our third brother, and not what we thought.
Both sides kept safe distance afterwards....
 
 
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 19, 2009
"I told an AIDs joke to a gay person. It didn't fly. " I did, and it went over rather well. Back in high school, we had an openly gay student (Lets call him "Jim") who was sitting next to me. Well he was out for a few days and when he got back I jokingly said "Oh hey Jim, I thought you died of AIDs!". Luckily he took it very well and laughed pretty hard. Three years later he actually did die from AIDs. Just kidding! I''m sure he's fine.
 
 
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 18, 2009
I told an AIDs joke to a gay person. It didn't fly.
 
 
Sep 18, 2009
2 Months or so ago I was siting out on a patio of our favorite local bar after work with some friends (all girls, I'm the only guy). We see these two other girls walk by the fence (one pretty cute, other not so much) and one of the girls at the table makes a snarky comment about how the attractive one was smart for hanging out with her less attractive friend, we all sort of chuckle. Another of the girls then states that she doesn't have any ugly friends, everyone says her girl friends are all very attractive. So then I, without thinking much of it because I'm already laughing a bit in my head, blurt out - "Maybe you are the ugly friend".

Total silence, even the other tables on the patio stopped talking and just stared at me like they couldn't actually believe I said that. Poor girl looks like she's about to literally cry right there on the spot, I've never felt smaller than I did at that moment.
 
 
Sep 18, 2009
> What's the worst thing you ever said out loud?

I'm sure I could write a book about my own "open mouth insert foot" moments, but I doubt any of them could top George Brett's secret confession:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2Dn0hs-CM8

BTW: NSFW

PS - Don't eat the crab legs...

-joe
 
 
+5 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 18, 2009
a friend told me a story. 3 kids at his school died in a car crash. the 4th in the car got out and was powerless to help them. as the car burned the Mike Oldfield album Tubular Bells was playing and the survivor is haunted about it ever since.

so years later my friend is with a group including the survivor when Tubular Bells comes on the radio. They all feel uncomfortable and in an effort to say something to ease the awkwardness, my friend blurts out "this is one of the greatest driving albums of all time".
 
 
Sep 18, 2009
When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I dutifully went along to the childbirth course at the hospital where she would deliver the baby. We received a tour of the facilities and filled out some paperwork in advance. There was then a couple hour session on what to expect during the birth, breathing, options for pain management, and the first few days with a newborn. Toward the end, we were all on the floor in a circle, after practicing changing a diaper on a doll, etc, and the nurse leading the class asks, "Are there any other questions?"

I pipe up extra loud, "Yeah, how big do they have to be before they can cut the grass?" There were a lot of mean glares from moms to be.....
 
 
Sep 17, 2009
In the last months of 8th grade I started at a new school. One day in my new english class the room was very quiet as everyone read the current assignment. All of a sudden, the girl on the other side of the guy sitting next to me starting screaming and grabbed his arm. He tried to ignore her pulling frantically on him and continued to read his book. The rest of the class also ignored what was happening as she all of a sudden fell off her chair onto the floor and started yelling and moaning and flopping around, seriously, they all just kept reading their friggn' books. I, of course, was confused by their seeming oblivious to it and starting laughing fairly loud.

Needless to say, after the teacher and principal removed her from the class the teacher came back and had to make a comment about how rude and ignorant some people were who would laugh at a person with epilepsy. Jeez, I had no idea, and...I was laughing at the absurdity of the situation, not the poor girl. I felt bad, but couldn't understand why.
 
 
Sep 17, 2009
by the way - that man was going for his PhD in international World studies LoL
 
 
Sep 17, 2009
so one day I (Chinese) was meeting a (Filipino) friend for a student happy hour, he decided to bring a (white) friend, lets call him Alex. My friend also decided to show up to our meeting stone drunk. Clearly there was no recourse except for Alex and me to take our drunk friend to a restaurant and start cleaning him up, giving him food etc. As we were doing so we started to talk..so Alex started hitting on me, telling me that he's from the South, he's traveled the world and he's very open minded. "In the south, Asians are regarded as 2nd place next to white people, NOT that I'm prejudiced or anything, No Offense, we Really respect Asian people...Did you know that Asians were slaves of white people before black people were? Thats why we have some Asians in the south, and we really respect them and like them, we consider them second to whites (with blacks being 3rd)..can i have your number?"
 
 
+8 Rank Up Rank Down
Sep 17, 2009
I was interesting in dating a girl who was a friend of a friend (who was also female). She took me aside and told me "you know she has cancer right?" I responded "so?". She explained it was very serious and she was going to die to which I responded "well that's perfect because I'm not into commitment". That my logic was not received well....
 
 
 
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