My Cat
May 12, 2008 General Nonsense |

I have an office cat, Sarah. She's a scrawny little tuxedo cat, about 18-years old. Sarah hates it when I try to work. I mean she really, really hates it. As soon as I enter the office she starts screaming at me. It's not a polite meow. It's more like a baby banshee being attacked by a porcupine. The noise penetrates my entire body. I'm almost certain it causes internal bleeding. This screaming lasts from the time I come to work until I leave.

Sometimes she punctuates the shrieking by puking on my carpet, destroying any documents she can reach with her arthritic leaping ability, and grunting out WMD in the cat box. Only one thing can stop this cycle. I must lift her up and pet her in just the way she likes. Any deviation from the recommended petting pattern means bloodshed.

You might wonder why I haven't thrown her through a double-paned window in all these years. That's because I haven't told you about the licking.

When I hold her in my arms, her pupils widen with love and she starts to lick my chin. I am not talking about a perfunctory little dry tongued "how ya doing?" here. Imagine a toothless, starving angel trying to lick a pork chop. It's like that, but less creepy.

I know I am special because she only licks the things she loves the most, including soft cat food, my chin, and her own ass, not always in that order. She doesn't have a favorite book or TV show, but if she did, I am sure she would lick them too.

Her tongue is surprisingly wet. I think she drinks water all night long to get ready for the morning. She's 4 pounds of cat and 2 pounds of pre-slobber. I've gotten used to the moisture, but the sandpaper texture has made it impossible for me to grow a beard. I live in fear that my town will have some sort of old-timey festival where all the men are expected to grow facial hair. People will just look at me, put an arm on my shoulder and whisper "Must be a great cat."

And they will be right. My cat is great.

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Sep 4, 2008
I freak love the people who are upset that you posted about your cat. They're the same who complain on the days when you have a freaking deep subject post: "You're a comic artist, Scott, not a philosopher...blah blah."


<a href="http://www.purrinlot.com">Persian Cats and Kittens - Purrinlot Cattery</a>
Jun 1, 2008
rwruger: if you could just see the post Dilbert.com Redesign, if you just want to see the strip there's a link exactly for that over there, I'm not going to post it here because I don't agree with your last comment.
May 26, 2008
What, exactly, is the improvement of the new site? Techies may like it, because they enjoy anything that does not require a personality. How the heck does one view the entire Sunday strip? Don't even tell me. I used to click on Sunday's strip and there it was. Scott has been hoisted by his own hi-tech petard. Welcome to geekdom.
0 Rank Up Rank Down
May 22, 2008
and not always in that order
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
May 14, 2008
Did you train Sarah to lick your face Scott? Perhaps a little bit of tuna spread on your whiskers?

Answers.com tells me that to 'lick one's chops' means " To anticipate delightedly." I think I've discovered the secret to your positive outlook.
+3 Rank Up Rank Down
May 14, 2008
My friend recently bought me a kitten, she is nearly 7 months now and is called Batman (or get the hell off my face). Every day after her morning ritual (which i will discuss momentarily), she gets up, and refuses to have anything to do with me. that is unless there is some kind of food-toward-bowl motion happening. she disappears promptly at 8pm every evening, at which time i can only assume she is going to her Klan meetings, and returns around 2-3am, depending on weather and if the grand dragon has any important announcements. However for 30 minutes every morning, she is my best friend, she climbs onto the back/side of my head, places her nose in my ear, and purrs like a chainsaw cutting through several porpoise. this noise inevitably arouses me at around 7am, at which point i begin plotting her murder. she's the greatest cat ever. give sarah a bit of chin for me.
May 13, 2008
The only good cats are Catbert, Garfield, and Kliban cats, all of which consist of only ink and emptiness. The only thing better than one of these three cats is as many dead cats as can be stuffed into a blivit by a professional blivit stuffer. The next best thing is a cat that's just had its final visit to the doormat-making taxidermist. Your description of your cat is precisely why I loathe and despise these PDA (pain in a dog's ass) versions of lions, tigers,and leopards.

May 13, 2008
Don't listen to the anti-cat naysayers. I love your posts about Sarah. I am also very lucky to be able to bring my cat Nippers to work with me, as I work for Tony La Russa's Animal Rescue Foundation in Walnut Creek. Everyone here brings their dogs to work, and in a few cases, cats too!

If you are ever in the neighborhood, you should stop in and take a look. Our facility is beautiful, and the cats and dogs awaiting adoption live in little condos, as comfortable as could be.


Give Sarah a good cuddle for me!
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
May 13, 2008
Any chance of a tick box to "keep me logged in unless I log out"?

I don't want to have to log in each time I vote on a comment or something trivial like that.

Other than that, am really coming round to the new setup, and looking forward to the promised speed increases.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
May 13, 2008
OK, who are you and what have you done with Scott? : )

PS, requiring signup to post comments...? I'm willing to bet a quarter you'll no longer see the days of 400
comments on a post... (for better or worse)....

May 13, 2008
Terrible story. The murderer was so obvious,even the glaring lack of butler from the story didn't distract from the method used to commit the murder, which anyway never happened. The ending was so mushy ( my cat is great, who writes that? ) I pee'd in my pants, just so I could smell my pee to forget the mushiness.

And you call yourself a mystery writer !!!

PS the post was good though
May 13, 2008
Did anyone tell you that you're a freak? Never understood why people put up with cats. Of course it could be my allergies talking there...
May 13, 2008
Good to see you've still got Wally working on the website.
On the mashups, you put in your caption, and try to click the terms of service link (purely out of curiousity just to find out how much of your life you're signing away) and nothing happens.
Legally speaking, I think you'll find that if you can't access the terms of service then they don't apply.
I shall be publishing my own book of Dilbert mashups - available soon from Amazon - keep watching!

Oh, and still can't access the mashups using Internet Explorer 7.
May 13, 2008
Aww. Cats and people are so alike. Kittens and babies are nice. Gracefully aged ones are nice. In between most are uncaring full time !$%*!$%*!
-7 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
I do not like cats, and also this post!
0 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
Hmmmm so you like getting licked by a !$%*!$ I think you have that backwards.

Personally, I love cats. I just can't eat a whole one, but the dogs enjoy the leftovers.
-2 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
Being licked by a cat - yuk. Surely OH&S laws should prevent such things in the workplace.
May 12, 2008
I have a Scottie who will lick continuously as long as there is bare skin. He dreams of living in a nudist colony.
My wife thinks he's kissing me but I think he's just covering me in dog spit. Despite that, I love the little rascal.
BTW: Cats are nothing but mobile dog food.
May 12, 2008
this blog is getting to be so not worth the time......
May 12, 2008
We demand photographic evidence of your cat preventing you from working!
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