Scott Adams Blog: My Shop Vac 02/09/2010

My Shop Vac

Feb 9, 2010 General Nonsense | Notify

Now that I have a manly garage, with a manly workbench, I was delighted to receive for Christmas a Shop Vac. It's a magical device that sucks up all sorts of debris, even liquid. It has attachments for everything. I think one attachment is for haircuts, but I haven't tried it yet. The Shop Vac is gray and black and reminds me of R2D2 so much that I expect it to jack into my breaker panels and reprogram my DVR.

My point is that my Shop Vac is totally awesome. That is, unless I try to move it. It has wheels, but at the first sign of movement, the Shop Vac starts squirming and tossing off attachments like a balloonist heading into a volcano. The hose becomes like a spastic elephant trunk. It will find all of the loose objects in your garage and fling them one-by-one into oil spills and darkened spider nests. If you focus your attention on the flailing vacuum hose, the power cord will wrap itself around your legs and try to trip you into the pyramid of old paint cans. And the screaming. Good lord, the little wheels scream on the concrete floor. It's Shop Vac language for "LEAVE ME ALONE! DO NOT MOVE ME! I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY TENTACLE!"

The worst of it, if I can pick just one thing, is that the situation totally ruins my manly vibe. I live in fear that Shelly will come into the garage and see me losing a cage match to R2D2. That would totally suck, ironically.

Anyway, I've developed a truce with my Shop Vac. Now I sweep the debris from wherever it falls all the way to where the Shop Vac lives, and directly under its waiting nostril. I gingerly press the ON button along a direct vertical line so I don't awaken the tentacle of death. I still plan to use the Shop Vac for haircuts, but I'll have to put the kids on towels on their backs and slowly drag them towards the Shop Vac's waiting hose and hope for the best.

I searched the Internet for what I imagined would be the obvious set of third-party add-ons for the Shop Vac, but found none. What I want is some sort of pole attachment from the top of the Shop Vac upon which I can drape the power cord and hose while moving the Shop Vac against its will. Sort of like an IV drip scenario, but with a power cord and vacuum hose. Would one of you go invent that and get back to me?

Votes: +75

Comments

angelktpi

Mar 3, 2010

sent this to my bf this was his reply: "Hahaha! He is so right! I gave up and mounted one to the wall."

XX_EE

Feb 17, 2010

funny, funny post! glad i didn't have a mouthful of coffee while i read it.

consider installing an electrical outlet in the middle of the ceiling. that will solve the electric-cord-entangling-your-ankles-and-tripping-you problem.

our shop vac's wheel base is way too small for the actual diameter of the tank, so ours is prone to tipping over. two pairs of training wheels and some flexible metal strapping should solve that problem for you (bolt or wire-tie the training wheels onto the holes in the strapping so that the wheels are roughly 90 degrees apart from each other; then bolt or wire-tie the strapping to itself like a low-slung belt on the tank).

then, that leaves only the demon-possessed elephant nostril hose to deal with. sorry, i can't help you there, but at least you'll have two free hands to deal with it.

stigmada

Feb 15, 2010

That white noise coming from the shop vac reminds me of when my husband is sitting at the computer listening to pop/techno music sung by toddlers in hello-kitty panties. (He makes his money doing market research for our firm, so it comes with the territory.)

OTâ€” I haven't had anything to eat for so many hours that when I see food ads, my gut shrinks up into a throbbing, painful ball of angst. Not in a good or anticipating kind of way, but in a way that feels like i got kicked real hard there, and in the heart, and in the brain, or sort of like there's a tumor growing there kind of pain. A similar pain to the ache in my uterus after I gave birth to my children. But accompanied by cold shakes, muscle spasms from head to toe, feelings of utter desperation. That's what low-blood sugar is like, people. As fun as the flu. I am having a blast here while the girls in the kitty panties laugh and sing, and dance in those purty costumes. Golly-gee-willikers am I glad I ran into you people. Gluttons and people on strict medical diets ought live in separate quarters, I am certain.

[On another O.T. note, why are leggings so much easier to get on and off than normal pants are? Is it, like, a trade-secret or something? Tight jeans are too constrictive, eh? Strictly food for advertising purposes. The leggings are very flexible and quick to get into, change out of, carry a spare around in your massive purse (in case you sit in some coffee at the airport bench), that cost 5 million dollars kind of deal.]

YITBOS

Feb 13, 2010

Your post reminded me of a song by Jonathan Coulton called "Shop Vac." It's actually a pretty good song, too.

Here's the YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhSSiKFyg1I

slideruler

Feb 13, 2010

A built-in vacuum system is the only way to go -- house and workshop.
The PVC pipe runs don't wear out (hoses do), and you have one central unit to maintain.
With your new house, it doesn't sound like the architect thought of giving you that option.
(The house units usually have on/off switches in each covered opening in each room -- when you lift the flap and plug the hose in anywhere, it automatically turns on the central vac.)

Shopvac story ... a contractor was so fed up with his old, beat-up, intermittent shop vac, he finally threw it in the creek after completing a job. Six months later on another job site, some other guy was using the vac -- the guy had retrieved it, given it a little TLC, and had a fine working unit. There's a lesson in there somewhere.

AajTak

Feb 12, 2010

Scott, First of all, I am not sure how you side-stepped the temptation of "My shop vac sucks big time" joke opportunity.
Secondly, don't worry about all the oil spills from the spastic trunk tentacles. Shop vac is there to clean them up.
Thirdly, please don't forget to write up the hair cutting episode on this blog whenever that takes place. That one's got to be very funny.

arbyisme

Feb 11, 2010

My shop vac sits unused growing old. Just put on a paper mask, open the garage doors and blow dust, dirt and everything that is light outside using an electric leaf blower. Close the doors, go get a beer. Job done.

sonofsaturn

-1

Feb 11, 2010

It's your workshop, invent something! Don't you have a cordless drill?

shirtbloke

Feb 11, 2010

Magnets will do it.
Use the rare earth ones (very strong).

god save England

Feb 11, 2010

shame you cant call in Chuck Norris, Bet he would sort out your vac...

god save England

-1

Feb 11, 2010

shame you cant call in Chuck Norris, Bet he would sort out your vac...

Stui

Feb 11, 2010

@ Scott, "I live in fear that !$%*!$ will come into the garage and see me losing a cage match to R2D2."

Is that what they call being caught in a compromising position with a vaccuum cleaner now? Do you have the excuse "I had lint on my pants" rehearsed? :D

whybird

Feb 11, 2010

So, is this in any way related to the Dilbert strips being currently published (air pressure device to eject PHB from building's duct work)?

whoop_ti_do

-1

Feb 10, 2010

DESTROY...DESTROY...ELIMINATE!!!! ELIMINATE!!! lol

flatfish

Feb 10, 2010

Wheels are so first century. Use the exhaust to create a hovercraft platform.

If you do build a standard wheeled conveyance, you'll probably need several new power tools to complete the job, and that's always a good idea.

ibid

Feb 10, 2010

Seems to me that you could take a toilet snake, cut off a foot or two of snake, run the power cord through the middle of the metal coils, and fasten it to the vacuum. Either strap the length of snake to the side of the vacuum, or unwrap enough of the end of the coils so you can rewrap the wire around something on the top of the vacuum.

sjanlaird

Feb 10, 2010

With great power comes great responsibility.

Ham24

-2

Feb 10, 2010

Why go through the hassle of inventing something?

Just go hire a couple Illegal Immigrant "Merry Maids" to do the work for you. Then, you could sit back and enjoy the comedy as they flail around in futility while battling your Shop-Vac.

"Turn a knock into a boost", I always say!

kaladorn

Feb 10, 2010

A shop vacc can be powerful and indeed somewhat unmanageable. You need to find someone like the engineer who designed the Dyson vacuums for the house and get him to redesign the classic Shop Vacc.

I have a Dyson upright and in addition to being different than any other vacc I've owned in key ways (lots of suck, even when the repository is near full), it is different in a number of other interesting ways. Firm snap location for fittings. The hose is actually part of the handle so it isn't in the way and you don't have to store it when not in use. When you leave the vacc upright, since it has so much suck, a small bypass opens at the top of the handle to ensure it isn't trying to eat your carpet while it sits unused but running.

The only downside I've seen is inherently tied to its upside - it is awful for vacuuming something like a bathroom mat. It has such a powerful suction, when it hits an edge, it tries to eat the mat. But if you operate it with care (and put a foot down to hold the mat edge) it does a bang up job.

If you want real power, take a look at portable 2-3 hp 115/230V selectable dust extraction systems (necessary for planers, joiners, etc). These have serious suck and are usually mounted on a lightweight steel or aluminium carriage which has big wheels. Of course, they don't come with a boatload of attachments. And they aren't going to do liquid. But for !$%*!$% up shop dust, they'd be just fine.

Good luck and glad to see you now have a classic man cave as well as a gadget filled office. Next thing you know we'll having you wearing suspenders and a blue checked flannel shirt.

lisagal23

Feb 10, 2010

Your pole idea sounds like a job for Red Green...

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