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Europe's Large Hadron Collider just fired up. It's a $10 billion particle accelerator designed to probe the mysteries of the universe. I think it is worth the money if we can find just one unicorn. But I would also settle for an elf, or free will, or Jimmy Hoffa's body. I'm just saying I'm not fussy when it comes to discovering stuff.

The downside of this project is the small chance it will create a black hole and annihilate the galaxy. It will take months for the machine to be fully functional, and during that time it gives nerds the ultimate seduction opportunity. It's the classic end-of-the-world gambit, as in "The universe could end any moment. Do you really want to take the chance of waiting another ten minutes to find a more suitable partner?"

Obviously this scheme depends on finding a potential lover who isn't good at physics and doesn't read much, also known as "the best kind."

As a public service to my readers, allow me to rule out some pickup lines suggested by the particle accelerator that are unlikely to be effective. For example, avoid any version of these:

"Let's make like particles and collide."

"Have you heard of the Big Bang theory?"

"Once you've had dark matter, you'll never get fatter."

"You'd better jump me now. The last time I was available a quark lepton."

"I like your bosons."

"Want to come back to my tunnel and see my Hadron Collider? It's huge."

Any one of those lines will make your potential lover prefer annihilation.
 
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Sep 12, 2008
supercollider pun was originally from futurama...


Humour Bot: "I sais, super collider, I just met her! And then they made a super collider 2, thank you, you've been a great audience"
Announcer: "Humour Bot 510, ladies and gentlemen"

http://www.gotfuturama.com/Multimedia/EpisodeSounds/3ACV08/
 
 
Sep 11, 2008
No one has mentioned the fantastic "on hover" text for the xkcd comic:

"Supercollider'? I hardly know 'er!"
 
 
Sep 11, 2008
Hey look, we found a unicorn:
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5hJOimxSZNGoURscTWOmYHXcZVf-w
 
 
Sep 11, 2008
Matt, cartoonist on the Telegraph, earns the prize for the easiest joke......
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/matt/?cartoon=2712914
 
 
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Sep 11, 2008
On a related note:

17 year old girl commits suicide in fear of the Large Hadron Collider (claims the father):

http://news.indiainfo.com/2008/09/10/0809101838_fearing_end_of_world_mp_girl_commits_suicide.html

Obviously she didn't know much about science and read the wrong articles.

 
 
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Sep 11, 2008
Exploited already...

http://xkcd.com/474/

Well, at least there's a lot of fuss about something which is not VIP pants or elections...
 
 
Sep 11, 2008
"You'd better jump me now. The last time I was available a quark lepton"!!!

Too funny!! You may be the first to use "lepton" as a pun!!
 
 
Sep 10, 2008
No matter how briefly your black hole shows, I'll make you big bang
 
 
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Sep 10, 2008
Well, Scott, I was going to link you to today's xkcd webcomic, but it looks like that'd make me the fifth person today. All I can say now is: you might want to consider reading xkcd regularly, considering how huge of an overlap its fans seem to have with your own most zealous followers.
 
 
Sep 10, 2008
http://xkcd.com/474/
The similarity is uncanny.
why does stuff like this never happen to me?
 
 
Sep 10, 2008
"Large Hadron".

Now there's a naughty typo waiting to happen.

 
 
Sep 10, 2008
Similar take on the LHC here:

http://xkcd.com/474/
 
 
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Sep 10, 2008
"Is that a Hadron Collider in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"
 
 
Sep 10, 2008
"Want to come back to my tunnel and see my Hadron Collider? It's huge.
Best line ever.
 
 
Sep 10, 2008
I wish the government would build a large collider that actually could develop sustained singularities. Obviously I wouldn't want them to use it, but that would make an awfully good doomsday machine (Dr. Strangelove style). We could get rid of all the nukes and just have that.

Lines:

Want to see my Higgs Boson? Just charge me up and watch me go.

You make me so hot it takes liquid helium to keep me from blasting off.

----

I hope this collider will help unify the string theories and verify M-theory, or something similar. Using an 11 dimension space could open up a lot of possibilities as to what future(far) technologies could do as far as spatial travel and maybe even temporal. Harnessing phantom energy or somehow exploiting dark matter would be awesome. I want a tardis.
 
 
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Sep 10, 2008
Hey baby, The Large Hadron Collider is switching on. This could be our last night on earth
 
 
Sep 10, 2008
Want to engage my proton accelerator?

I think people just want this thing to rend through the universe, make things more exciting. Cuz, really, life is like a box a' chocolates. We all know what's inside them, and all the good ones are gone.
 
 
Sep 10, 2008
They are counting on Steven Hawking being correct that if a black hole forms it will dissipate instead of growing larger. Normally betting on a Genius is a good thing. The funny thing is Hawking also predicts that they won't find what they are looking for, the God particle. So in theory, they are betting both on Hawking being both right and wrong.
 
 
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Sep 10, 2008
Supercollider? I 'ardly know 'er!
 
 
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Sep 10, 2008
Read a few days ago in the WSJ:

CERN scientists are taking lessons in improvisational comedy to promote quick thinking and public communication. One of the lines a female scientist used was: "Do my bosons give you a hadron?"

I thought it was hilarious!
 
 
 
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