Europe's Large Hadron Collider just fired up. It's a $10 billion particle accelerator designed to probe the mysteries of the universe. I think it is worth the money if we can find just one unicorn. But I would also settle for an elf, or free will, or Jimmy Hoffa's body. I'm just saying I'm not fussy when it comes to discovering stuff.

The downside of this project is the small chance it will create a black hole and annihilate the galaxy. It will take months for the machine to be fully functional, and during that time it gives nerds the ultimate seduction opportunity. It's the classic end-of-the-world gambit, as in "The universe could end any moment. Do you really want to take the chance of waiting another ten minutes to find a more suitable partner?"

Obviously this scheme depends on finding a potential lover who isn't good at physics and doesn't read much, also known as "the best kind."

As a public service to my readers, allow me to rule out some pickup lines suggested by the particle accelerator that are unlikely to be effective. For example, avoid any version of these:

"Let's make like particles and collide."

"Have you heard of the Big Bang theory?"

"Once you've had dark matter, you'll never get fatter."

"You'd better jump me now. The last time I was available a quark lepton."

"I like your bosons."

"Want to come back to my tunnel and see my Hadron Collider? It's huge."

Any one of those lines will make your potential lover prefer annihilation.
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Sep 10, 2008
Made me want to choose anihalation.
Sep 10, 2008
Be honest Scott,

Those have been sitting somewhere in a corner of your mind, just waiting for the right moment haven't they.
Sep 10, 2008
I thought you would enjoy reading this. Psychology might have some use, but it often sounds to me like bunk and pseudo-science. So I had to laugh whenever I read in my law school textbook that that is essentially what one group of therapists claimed whenever they failed to detain a patient who announced his intention to kill someone and then went out and did it. I'd like to call this excerpt:

Therapists Claim Not Guilty By Reason of Useless Profession
. . . Defendants [the therapists] contend, however, that imposition of a duty to exercise reasonable care to protect third persons is unworkable because therapists cannot accurately predict whether or not a patient will resort to violence. In support of this argument amicus representing the American Psychiatric Association and other professional societies cites numerous articles which indicate that therapists, in the present state of art, are unable reliably to predict violent acts; their forecasts, amicus claims, tend consistently to overpredict violence, and indeed are more often wrong than right. Since predictions of violence are often erroneous, amicus concludes, the courts should not render rulings that predicate the liability of therapists upon the validity of such predictions.. .

From Tort Law Responsibilities and Redress, 2nd Ed. by Goldberg Sebok and Zipursky p.124
Sep 10, 2008
First experiment fires off in mid-October. What if it turns out to be the ultimate October surprise, an actual Big Bang? What if the entire purpose of the universe is to produce a race of thinking meat tubes that eventually get smart enough to construct a Large Hadron Collider, and dumb enough to use it, so the next cycle of destruction and creation can start again?
Sep 10, 2008
Have you seen today's xkcd commic? It's exactly what you're talking about.

Sep 10, 2008
I've given it a lot of thought over the years, and the way I want to die is with the rest (or most of the rest) of the planet. I do not want to die alone, with a lot of other less deserving people aloud to live on. I want there to be a huge three day party, with everyone knowing how the party will end; the destruction of planet Earth. No clean-up, no hangover, no awkward looks from the anonymous girl(s) in your bed the next morning. Just party until you see the 8 mile high wall of fire encircling the globe.

Because I do not know that much about science, before now, I had only these end-of-world scenarios to hope for:

Hostile Alien Invasion
Nuclear war
The Cubs winning the World Series

Now I can add the possibility that European Scientists will open up a black hole. The problem with that is that we may not have enough time to get a good party going before we are all vaporized.
Sep 10, 2008
Large particle colliders give me a hadron.

[Best nerd pun ever. As a dyslexic nerd, I loved it. -- Scott]
Sep 10, 2008
Let's look at it from a physics perspective**. As you approach the event horizon on a black hole, time slows down. So if you time your "moment" just right, it can last a relativistic eternity. New nerd pick-up line: "One night with me will feel like you're entering a black hole!"


**disclaimer: All "physics" represented in the above statement were garnished strictly from Stargate: SG1 episodes and does not constitute an actual physics education.

Sep 10, 2008
Hmm, you think a lot like the guy at the xkcd online comic.


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Sep 10, 2008
Freakin' Hilarious...I love the one about the bosons. Classic.

Although, being a bit of a science nerd some of these are almost irresistible. Gah.
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