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Later today we're getting a puppy. I haven't had one since I was a kid. Things have changed since then, according to the puppy experts. For one, we found the puppy over the Internet. That's different. But it's only the tip of the iceberg.

The experts say we are not supposed to pick up the puppy and hold it. If the puppy pushes itself out of our arms, it will try to brace its fall with its front legs, and they will break. Apparently this happens a lot.


Instead, we are advised to keep the puppy on a leash if we pick it up. That way, if the dog jumps out of our arms, we can save it by holding the leash, in much the same way the Iraqis saved Saddam Hussein when he fell through the trap door. Sounds safe to me.


We have been advised to get a special type of sugary foodlike product to give the puppy when it arrives on the plane, to prevent it from getting hypoglycemic. This has something to do with the stress of the trip and not eating for several hours. In the old days, when dogs got hungry they would eat something called dog food. But to be fair, our old family dog hardly ever used an airplane for interstate travel, at least not while we were watching.


Our first attempt at buying a little gated fence for the puppy was a failure. The puppy expert said it wasn't high enough. If the dog successfully climbs the fence, it will learn it can climb anything. Before you know it, the dog is on the roof, all hypoglycemic, with the wind ripping off its feeble limbs.


House training has changed too. You no longer whack the puppy with a rolled up newspaper when it relieves itself in the house. Now you do something more humane, called cage training. You put the puppy in a cage so small it can barely turn around. Dogs instinctively won't poop where they have to stand, so it learns to hold it until it poops on your terms.


I ask myself if I would prefer to be whacked with a rolled up newspaper when I pooped on the carpet or be forced to stay in a coffin-sized cage for several hours while desperately squeezing my butt cheeks together to keep the turtle in the shell. Which is more humane? I'm thinking it doesn't make any difference because my parents used both of those methods on me, and I turned out okay.


The dog is an Aussie Toy. According to our research, this is the very best dog in the entire world for us. It is a "working dog," meaning it was bred to be useful, presumably herding very small cows. I plan to train it to fetch tennis balls. I want it to kneel by the net like a ball girl and bring me the loose balls after each point. Maybe it could even keep score.  I haven't consulted with the puppy expert about this idea because I know she will say the dog can't participate in sports unless it is wearing a Kevlar body suit has an asthma inhaler nearby.


I'm just saying dogs are different now.

 
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Jul 13, 2008
Is it a Calpy dog? My paents have one and it's a very nervous dog. If it is it is a sheep herding dog and it needs a lot of !$%*! a day, hope you have running track aswel as a tenniscourt, you'll need it.
 
 
Jul 13, 2008
It is perhaps worth mentioning that I am an Aussie. I had never heard of this breed until you mentioned it here. :)
 
 
Jul 13, 2008
Quick recap:

A couple days ago Scott complained about Obama taking his money and giving to less hard-working people for things like scholarships, public schools that can compete against the global standard, and healthcare.

Currently he is having a designer puppy delivered via FedEx.

I find this a) ironic, b) proof that a fool and his money are soon parted, and c) evidence that that Scott and Paris Hilton are more alike than one would think.
 
 
Jul 13, 2008
Politics:

A few months from now, the reign of Bush & Co will seem like a lost paradise and we shall fondly remember these long discussion about australian spinners & puppies, when the next prez and his men cease to show any interest in recurring dog-fights around the world.

The world will not be gripped by terror as it has been in the past few years. It is more probably going to be engaged in terror same as people engage in stock markets.
 
 
Jul 12, 2008
Oh, and SlapDMonkey, a donk refers to a car engine. Specifically its power - i.e. a big donk is a big engine. (Don't ask me, it makes no sense to me, either & it's not something most Aussies say, just the red necked ones). Croc Dundee isn't so much a donk as a big, wrinkled tax avoider, but we don't have any amusing slang for that.
 
 
Jul 12, 2008
j-e-s-u-s c-h-r-i-s-t m-o-n-k-e-y b-a-l-l-s, Scott.
Speaking to you from down under, there is no such thing as an Aussie Toy dog here. It is a hybrid invented in the US. What you have purchased has been created from a whole lot of breeds - including what we call Border Collie, and you Yanks call Aussie Shepherd - but also including Pomeranian. This is not a working dog. It is a designer dog bred for a market who want a cutewiddlepuppydog. Did you do any research, or just see a picture and go "Aww"? Mindless consumerism strikes again. If you wanted a mutt of complicated provenance, you should've gone to a shelter and saved a soul. Instead, you clicked and pointed, eh voila, the 'perfect pup' was baked just for you.
 
 
Jul 12, 2008
OMG!! A puppy? I thought you were a cat person? Boy is your cat going to be !$%*!$%* (P I S S E D would have been bleeped.)

Good luck. I would have gone with a golden retriever. They like to fetch and are the best house dogs ever. Our last dog was a golden retriever named Honey. Still miss her. She was one of a kind.

The dog is lucky to have you.

Rita Mae
 
 
+4 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 12, 2008
Scott,
Faithful blog reader but first time commenting here and took the trouble to register to do it. Why? I am completely blown away that you did such a dumb thing. You bought a puppy...dumb! flew it to you like a parcel...dumb! and now you are crate training it...lazy! Could you have explored this whole process for just a hot second before jumping in, eh? Dang! Spend just one day at the local shelter and watch how many pups, purebred ones too, get put down. No, really watch Scott. It will break your heart. Not just the old, infirm and ugly dogs (my personal favorites). I'm talking whole litters of pups, wiggly, warm, eyes not even open pups get put down with their moms. The shelters are full of 'em and no shelter can manage the work, mess and expense of seeing them through to adoption age. You had to get a designer dog and thus some nitwit who makes their living off breeding more dogs keeps on breeding. Like there aren't enough dogs in the world. Did you even see their operation?
Reminds me of the people who spend thousands of dollars to get pregnant while loads of unwanted kids sit around in orphanges and foster care. Why? "We wanted our own" read "better."
Well, redeem yourself and at least potty train the poor pup without that crate. It works yeah, but it sucks for the pup. Get smart about his Scott...you know better.
 
 
Jul 12, 2008
Scott, your post made my morning. Thanks!
 
 
Jul 11, 2008
You are not serious?

How many times do you switch your mind from one premise to another? Or is it that blogs are designed to be inconsistent?

Blogs like these are for clueless commoners. Anything goes so long as the limbs are not threatened. The mind, the ideas, the thoughts can wade from trash to trash, from Michael Moore to Scott Adams...
 
 
Jul 11, 2008
Sounds like this "Aussie toy" is probably a pure bred. It's disappointing that you're not going to adopt from a shelter. There are so many millions of animals up for adoption at shelters across the country, and you can look at them online as well. I found my cat at a shelter's web site, and she was exactly as described - we could not be happier, and I feel so good that I saved her.

Good luck with your puppy. Maybe your next dog can be a shelter dog - there is a dog waiting for you, no doubt, needing a home. Maybe one that looks like an Aussie toy, but doesn't come with the price, or the papers.
 
 
Jul 11, 2008
Yay Scott!!! I'm so happy for you! You are going to have SO much fun with your new dog!

(Be sure to let the cat let the little guy know that she's in charge.)
 
 
Jul 11, 2008
Damn, so dog ownership has turned as wacko overprotective as the parenting of children? Then again, dogs are often substitutes for kids in the first place.
 
 
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 11, 2008
There used to be a joint in the bad side of town called Shampoochies that was like a scene out of the barber shop in Coming to America only with terriers in the seats rather than sistas (from shouting distance it was sometimes tough to tell who brought who in on the leash). Anyway, on my way to get my half a tuna on white from the Subway around the corner which was a habit of mine, I used to also make a habit of digesting the overall context and business schematic of said Shampoochies. The place was so busy they needed curb side service to deal with the customers. All this in a neighborhood where nobody had any money, couldn't afford the rent (those who were obligated to even pay it), and had automobiles powered by hamster wheels. Yet they all had money to take Mr Peepers to the beauty parlor once a week.

Thats when it hit me that pets arent about companionship. Who treats another equal with choker chains and false promises of endless treats if they come inside from the rain? Pets are about making us feel superior. Lets face it, mankind is already so near the bottom of the fish tank, we need something to boost our ego. Make us feel like we've tamed the wild out of nature's beasts and taught them the bone on the nose trick (any dog just above canine retardation can master this, really, its not an excuse to call me at 3am). Worst thing is, we've gotten so far off the path we dont even allow dogs to be dogs anymore. My idea of a day in the life of a basset hound is not getting teased and blown at the local dog parlor. Wheres the fun in that? And owners wonder why their pets lock themselves into a four-legged death grip on the carpet when they see you grab your keys.
 
 
Jul 11, 2008
I forgot to add that we also have an Aussie. Lovely dog, smart, obedient, loving etc. Perfect dog. Guess where we got it? Found it in the middle of a field abandoned. Sad looking thing. Spent a few bucks to have her spayed and now she runs the place. Get ready to be herded everywhere. She even herd our chickens and ducks. They of course love it. She spends a good deal of time with our Yorkie attached to her face because she tries to herd him too.
 
 
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 11, 2008
I was laughing a lot reading this! Brilliant, thanks.
 
 
Jul 11, 2008
Scott,

I understand completely. However, I find it goofy to look online for the perfect anything, let alone a dog. And then have the poor devil flown in. My lord, flying today is like punishment for humans, imagine the poor assed dog. You can, and usually do find some very loving and "perfect" dogs at an animal shelter. Think my man, think. Having the money to afford a "special" dog still makes it goofy to not at least look in some animal shelters first.
 
 
Jul 11, 2008
"[What part of "very best dog in the entire world for us" is confusing you? -- Scott] "

You can get a great animal at a shelter. To go so far as to purchase one and have it flown in is beyond moronic.



 
 
Jul 11, 2008
An Aussie? With cats? You will finally be able to answer the age old question about herding cats. Good luck.

And don't get me started on kennels. You don't board your dog anymore when you leave (God forbid you get a neighbor kid to watch it). No...you send them to Doggie Hotels. We take ours to a Pete and Macs. $38/night.
 
 
Jul 11, 2008
Sweet Jeezus, you didn't get an Aussie!!

Our family had an Aussie growing up. Yes indeed, they are working dogs. And you know who it's going to think is the herd? Your family. And you know who it thinks is going to be the wolves? Every single person in the world that isn't in your immediate family.

I'm not sure what your social life is like, but there is no chance you'll have any visitors for the next 18 years. And be prepared to to plaster and paint a whole lot of scratches and perhaps replace some screen doors and windows as she tries to kill the mailman on a daily basis. And the garbage man. And anyone that walks down your street.

 
 
 
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