Today I learned that ex-BBC presenter Jimmy Savile allegedly had sex with corpses while he was a young man working in a hospital mortuary.

This raises many questions.

For starters, is this an isolated situation or a widespread problem? To be on the safe side, I called my lawyer and revised my estate plan. Now it says that within an hour of my death I want my mouth and my ass sewed shut. But I'm not entirely unsympathetic to the needs of mortuary workers, so I requested that my left hand be positioned in a semi-clasped position before rigor mortis kicks in.

There's a chance that this is more of a British problem than a United States thing. I think we'd all agree that it's a slippery slope from warm beer and soccer hooliganism to skull-fucking the dead. Once you get some inertia going on the bad behavior it's hard to put the brakes on. I get that.

There's no mention of whether the corpses were the attractive type, but I'm guessing most were not. So I think you have to give Jimmy some credit for not buying into society's Photoshopped sense of beauty.

You also have to consider the celebrity angle. Jimmy wasn't famous when the events allegedly happened, but if you take the long view of things, any kind of sex with a TV celebrity is sort of special. If you were to tell me in the afterlife that a total nobody defiled my corpse, I'd be pissed. But if you said that my lifeless shell had rough sex with a mortuary worker who later became Alex Trebek, I'd feel some pride in that. I might even brag to the other angels "I still got it." (I'm assuming God doesn't read my blog so I still have a chance to get into Heaven with a well-timed deathbed conversion.)

I also have to wonder if the ghosts of the corpses Jimmy rejected for sex are angrier than the ones who saw some action. I mean, it already sucks to be dead, but to get rejected by an alleged bisexual, pedophile, corpse-banger has to sting. This guy was probably corn-holing feral cats - including the dead ones. I'd hate to think my cadaver wasn't good enough to make the cut. That would make me a sad ghost, and no one wants that.

This situation makes me wonder where the phrase "Not over my dead body" originated. Now I think it might have started as a sentence fragment on an employee sign in an English mortuary, three lines down from "All employees must wash their hands after using the restroom."

There are lots more questions but I have to do some work. Maybe you can think of a few to add.


Scott Adams
Co-founder of CalendarTree.com
Author of this book



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+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 7, 2014
funniest line in a long time from anyone:
(I'm assuming God doesn't read my blog so I still have a chance to get into Heaven with a well-timed deathbed conversion.)

+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 5, 2014
If you do the typical North American funeral, complete with the viewing of the corpse, then the mouth is already sewn shut. It keeps it from gaping open and frightening the children...or worse, looking like a grin. Things I learned from working in a cemetery that I really never needed to know...

May I suggest superglue instead? Because it would be dead easy (so to speak) to remove the stitching and just redo it afterwards.
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jul 2, 2014
Why can't you do a second, web-only comic with this kind of humour in it? It would be a great foil to the anodyne, safe-for-print Dilbert.
Jul 1, 2014
You know, the more I think about this, the more confused I become.

How did anyone know that Jimmy had sex with corpses? I mean, the corpse isn't going to tell anyone, and families generally don't check the bodies of their deceased relatives for signs of post-mortem sexual congress. At least, not in my neighborhood, but it may be different in the UK.

Perhaps there was a seance involving one of Jimmy's no-longer-extant victims. I can just hear it now:

Family member Sarah: "Grandma? Is that you? Do you have any words from the great beyond?"

Medium: "J-i-i-i-m-m-m-y-y S-a-a-v-i-l-l-l-e s-c-r-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-e-d M-e-e-e-e-e-e!"

Other family member: "Someone call 9-9-9! Sarah's keeled over!"

Or maybe Jimmy had a little too many pints of Guinness one night, and just before 23:00, said, "Hey, Mel, You ever had sex with a corpse? No? Man, you don't know what you're missing! When I worked in the mortuary, this beautiful gal's body came in . . ."

Mel, Jimmy later finds out, is a stringer for "The Guardian." Oops.

In my opinion, the whole thing stinks. Oh, wait. I didn't mean it that way. Never mind.
Jun 30, 2014
A good friend from high school planned to be a mortician. I thought that was an odd aspiration, but not you've REALLY got me wondering about him...
+3 Rank Up Rank Down
Jun 30, 2014
Soccer hooliganism was kind of an eighties thing, but was preferable to 'line dancing'

English women are like the beer you have to warm them up to get them going.

Most English men get distracted by the 'tasty' beer before finishing the warm up.
Hence English women always look like continetal beer.

If you've got English beer, who needs women?

and anyway English beer isn't warm, its 4 deg. below ambient.....and its tasty

If Savile had 'kept' his sexual tastes to the deceased there wouldn't be a problem.
Jun 30, 2014
To make matters worse, a mortuary employee in one of the hospitals reported him for being 'inappropriate with dead bodies' when he was famous. So it wasn't just when he was younger. The big question is how did he get away with it for so long?
Jun 30, 2014
And the bad news for the next few batches of fresh corpses is that Luis Suarez will be looking for alternative employment over the next four months...
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jun 29, 2014
posthumous r@pe #151 Scott Adams, Cartoonist, http://imgur.com/gallery/tAtOZ
Jun 28, 2014
D'oh! Didn't look down in time to realize that necr0philia was one of the filter's no-nos.
Jun 28, 2014
What does it say about me that I was more offended by the mention of the dumb "warm beer" myth than by the casual discussion of !$%*!$%*!$%* It's a tribute to the marketing arm of American mass beer producers that so many people think of beer as something that is supposed to be as cold as possible. Sure, THEY want their beer served cold; it masks what truly vile swill it is. But they have managed to make tastelessness a point of pride for their audience. Impressive.
Jun 28, 2014
The disclaimer, Scott, the disclaimer! I can already see the headlines! "MYSOGINIST !$%*!$%* SCOTT ADAMS SUPPORTS !$%*!$%*!$%*
Jun 28, 2014
Seville was famous when these acts took place. He used his fame to intimidate people into silence whilst playing the caring hospital worker act as a public face to gain access to vulnerable children. A pervert of the highest order. And to Phantom II. Yes, there is no difference between a dead person and the sexual drive of the average English woman (after marriage).
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jun 28, 2014
He banged corpses, when working around them, abused children as children entertainer, raped patients while visiting hospitals. Maybe, should he have been a carpenter, he would have just drilled extra holes in furniture in unconventional ways? Possibly, there is some "omniphilia" disorder?
Jun 28, 2014
I think it's a fantastic idea. That's why I've already let it be know that I want to be lying face up with a hellava !$%*!$ That way, any chick who wants a ride without the hassle of waiting if I'll ever call, can just get the goods and be done.
+19 Rank Up Rank Down
Jun 28, 2014
Wow, guess you're off the antihistamines.
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jun 28, 2014
Hardly a "British problem", I imagine. America - the great Melting Pot - took in the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free ... and anyone else who washed up on Ellis Island.
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jun 28, 2014
> " I called my lawyer and revised my estate plan. Now it says that within an hour of my death I want my mouth and my ass sewed shut."

.. and gunshot wounds. (If the rumors about Johnson and Kennedy have any credibility.)
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jun 27, 2014

>>As one who, in the distant past, engaged in, ahem, intimate congress with women from the UK,

I read that as, ...inanimate congress with women from the UK,...
and thought, Oh you've met my wife?

(glad she doesn't read this blog)

Jun 27, 2014
As one who, in the distant past, engaged in, ahem, intimate congress with women from the UK, the first question I would have is, how could he tell the difference? Perhaps Jimmy simply invited his girlfriend to meet him in the mortuary, and mistakenly went to the wrong slab.

I now hope none of my UK friends read this blog. Then again, from what they've told me, many of them would agree.

Please assume that Scott's "Warning" preceded this post.
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