I like to spot sentences that have probably never been uttered. This hobby is like bird watching but without the inconvenience of the outdoors. The trick is that the unique sentences have to be natural, not just a bunch of random words strung together. Take for example the following question: Did you hear about the inflatable Swiss dog turd that attacked an orphanage? That sentence qualifies even though I wrote it myself, because the event actually happened.


Luckily no orphans were injured in the attack. And no one is more relieved, so to speak, than the artist who squeezed out that masterpiece. I mean, if just once in your entire life you create a huge inflatable turd that injures an orphan, it sort of erases anything else you might do. You'll always be that guy.

I wonder how you get rid of a huge inflatable turd when you no longer want it. Do you take it to the dump just to be ironic? Or do you rent it on weekends for kid parties?

I'd probably put stucco on it and make it my home. That way when company came over, and I hadn't bothered to clean up, I would just say, "I'm sorry our house looks like crap." Everyone would laugh and laugh, and not even care that the floor is seven layers of toys, clothing, and miscellaneous remote controls. Anyway, if you accept a dinner invitation inside a giant turd, you probably started out with low expectations.

And what if the inflatable dog turd gets punctured? Would the first person to notice exclaim "Holy crap!"? And if not, would that person regret the missed opportunity for the rest of his natural life? I know I would. I have trouble releasing that sort of thing. For me, it would be like training all my life for the Olympics and forgetting to set my alarm on the day of my event. It would haunt me.

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Aug 13, 2008
A friend of mine has a classic "sentence that has never been uttered", at least, never by people without small children.

"Who peed on my dresser?"

Aug 13, 2008
You know, Scott, some days your posts are total crap.

Aug 13, 2008
Scott, sometimes you seem to have a sick and disturbed mind.

I like it.
Aug 13, 2008
I guess we now have an idea of what would happen if the fan hit the !$%*!
Aug 13, 2008
You know, I read about this on the BBC news site today - much better link, it has a picture!


Nope, it looks pretty much as bad as I imagined it....
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 13, 2008
There are some times when mere words are inappropriate. I sit here staring at my computer screen, with horror and disbelief and - yes, i'll admit it - a disturbing sort of interest.

I'm scared. Somebody hold me.

Well, so long as you don't make inflatable dog turds, anyway.

Aug 13, 2008
First thought? !$%* Happens...
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 13, 2008
Scott, I think you need to take more vacations. These blog posts are much more unique and funny when you've taken some time off from the rest of the real world.
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