My favorite story this month is about the hit man who was allegedly hired by a husband to kill his wife, a 51-year old nurse. The alleged hit man whacked the nurse with a hammer, which only pissed her off, so she strangled the hit man with her bare hands.


It is all very tragic, and yet I am amused by everything in this story, starting with the fact that the husband's first choice was to reconcile with his estranged wife. His second choice was to have her killed with a hammer. That is a man who does not recognize nuance. I wonder how many people in his life have escaped close calls.

Husband: "Hey, Fred, do you have another beer?"

Fred: "All I have is some light beers."

Husband (thinking): I should kill him with a hammer.

My other favorite part of the story is that the hit man carried his alleged client's phone number in his backpack while on the job. I never attended hit man school, but I have to think they teach you on the first day not to keep your client's phone number with you on the job. And on day two they probably cover the basics of not letting yourself get strangled by the lady you are sent to kill.

I can imagine myself in the place of the nurse who did the strangling. Once you subdue a hit man, you really don't want to take the chance of him getting up no matter how much he's promising he won't do it again. It blurs the line of self-defense, but you have no real option but to finish the job once you start. And I suppose if a guy has just hit you with a hammer, you'd probably enjoy making his eyes bug out like a cartoon character. But maybe that's just me.

The other great irony is that the strangler is a nurse. I'd hate to be a future patient who recognizes her face from the news. I'd hold my pee for a week before I'd ask that nurse for a bed pan.

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+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 26, 2008
hmmmm... Maybe the woman is just an opportunist. After encountering and strangling some bumbling burglar in her home she probably figured "hey - what a lucky break!", and scrawled her husband's name and phone # in a place or two in the man's belongings - effectively decreasing the time and complexity of the divorce hearing.
Aug 26, 2008
I really liked her phone message afterwards. She sounds like a formidable lady in all respects.
Aug 26, 2008
Hiring a puny janitor to take down your mammoth, butt-kicking wife is kind of like electing an inexperienced senator to take on the Presidency. Its the sort of decision that will come back to bite you.

+3 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 25, 2008
Scott, I think you underestimate the nuances involved...

First, what kind of hammer to use? Ball peen? Claw? Straight or Curved? Framing? 12oz or 16oz? You know, a carpenter is only as good as his tools.

Second, what part of the head to strike? You would have to consult Grey's Anatomy to at least have a fighting chance of finding the optimal spot. A lot like finding the access channel of a Death Star - and just as likely I am afraid.

Then there is the whole 'spring it on you' thing. This parts seems wrought with stress and a very high probability of social awkwardness.

Victim: Why on Earth are you holding that hammer over your head?

Perp: Damn! Did I pick the wrong one again?

Yes, as they say, the devil is in the details.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 25, 2008
You have to wonder how this conversation between the husband and his adult video store janitor happened:

Husband: Hey, Haffey, somebody got a little excited - can you do a clean-up on aisle 4?

Haffey: Sure. You want me to kill them for you, too?

Husband: No, never kill a customer, but how about my wife?

Haffey: Sure. Can I get a little time off so I don't have to use a vacation day to do it?

Husband: Okay. Try to keep it neat and tidy so I don't have to clean the house.

And, it is good to see that the wife has a back-up skill for when she retires and needs a little extra income to supplement her 401K and SSI benefits. She is obviously the better hit-person than the janitor.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 25, 2008
I'd like to know if any of the people concerned had ever seen the !$%*!$%*! movie "Dial M For Murder". Life appears to be imitating art in this case.
Aug 25, 2008
I wonder what was going through that Hitman's head when he decided the best weapon for killing an old, overweight nurse was a hammer.

"Well, she'll probably get shock trauma and die of a heart attack, and besides, bullets are traceable!"

And then he gets strangled to death. Score one for stupidity.
Aug 25, 2008
Nurses are strong, resourceful people.
Collectively they are underestimated, and sadly
collectively they are not united enough.

If they ever get it together, look out:
it will be a wonderous thing to see.
Aug 25, 2008
Every nurse I know brags about the number of ways they know how to kill people. Always, always be nice to your nurses.
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 25, 2008
LOL. Is it wrong that I find the Scott Adams blog funnier than Dilbert?

Here's an evil twist. She planned the whole thing to get rid of both guys (one her hubby and the other her former ex-lover). AND she comes out as a total hero, kicking ass and taking names.

NOTE: The hit-man also obviously failed the 'how to kill someone with a hammer' class.
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 25, 2008
This is so beautiful...

She left this message on her voicemail: “I’m not able to answer all the calls that I’ve received in the past few days. I’m being comforted by your concern and your support. I want you to know that our lives are all at risk for random acts, but more likely random acts of love will come your way than random acts of violence.”
Aug 25, 2008
Updated Sept. 16 2006. That's one old article.
Aug 25, 2008
I say the nurse needs to start giving self defense classes and should get a medal.
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 25, 2008
Good for her, I love it when the bad guy gets what is coming to him.
Leora, you should write fiction.
fire@will, whether or not she'd be in trouble for using a firearm would depend on the state she lives in. I live in Maine and checked with the police what the relavant laws were for self defense when I bought a gun. Here, we don't give intruders the benefit of the doubt.
Aug 25, 2008
Hold on. The mop man at the adult bookstore couldn't remember to 'Call Mike' or the phone number, but he could remember the security code to break in. I smell a setup.
Aug 25, 2008
Whatever her individual shortcomings (if any) as a wife, the woman did not deserve to be murdered over it. On the other hand, the janitor got what he deserved. I hope the husband does too.

This is an example of how being cheap can be expensive. Instead of hiring a professional, this husband hires a janitor (in an adult bookstore). Was he really the most qualified guy for the job (obviously not)?

Good thing the woman didn't defend herself with a firearm, or else she'd probably be criticised for it - and maybe even charged and/or sued.

0 Rank Up Rank Down
Aug 25, 2008
This would be a great plot for a murder mystery.
The wife hires the hitman to kill her via a friend who poses as her estranged husband. The hitman is given the husband's phone number and told to make sure he keeps it with him, maybe to call him immediately after to verify that the job is done.
The wife knows the hitman is coming (and has a 'slight build') so she takes him down (nurses are usually quite strong, given the conditions of their job).
Now she's a hero and hubby is doing time for murder.
No judge would deny that petition for divorce now!

Not saying she did this, mind you, not at all.
It just occurred to me as I was reading the story that it would be a great twist.

Aug 25, 2008
I found it interesting that the hit man was a janitor at the husband's adult video store. My question is: if this hit man was being paid to kill the guys wife, is that an "on the job related death?" If so, it might be double indemnity and the family of the hit man might make out pretty well! It weird stories it is sometimes good to look on the bight side.
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