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Mar 19, 2010 General Nonsense |
Humans are usually polite. That can be stressful, especially if some mass hole has earned a serious verbal smack down, and you're too nice to deliver it. It's bad for your health to keep that sort of venom all bottled up.

Now is your chance to let it out. Think about the last person who needed your practical and yet rudely abusive advice, and leave your monologue here in the comment section. You don't need to describe the person or the situation, unless it's absolutely necessary. It will be funnier if you start right into the abusive advice. Keep it PG-13ish please.

 
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lchowdhary
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Apr 12, 2010
I would like to add a new word to the Twictionary. Twisticals - it means two rhyming tweets. Some tweeple may find it objectionable.
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littlelorna
+7 Rank Up Rank Down
Apr 5, 2010
Hello stupid end-user of the programs we develop. There's this thing - it's called LOGGING. No - we're not referring to some form of childish toilet humour. It's called covering our asses when you phone up and tell me my eff'd up program is doing something completely and entirely on it's own, you never touched a thing, why would I do that, do I think you're an idiot or something?!?!?

I can refer to said log and tell you, down to the freaking nanosecond, when your user name and password logged into said program and deleted that invoice, or that file, or made the change you swear on a stack of books belonging to the religion of your choice you don't even know how to do. This I check and confirm only AFTER making you swear on the same stack of religious publications you have not, and never will, share your user name and password with anyone. As company policy dictates.

And yes, when you receive a pop-up notification (that you specifically begged me to add last week to STOP YOU from performing acts of absurdity without confirming that, yes, I do indeed wish to delete hours of my work) perhaps you should stop for the 3 1/2 seconds required to actually READ the question, and when in doubt, SAY NO!!!!

@&&clowns

*phew*
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feetsdontfail
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Apr 4, 2010
To the person who dinged my brand-new vehicle's driver's side door at the Hodgkins Wal-Mart yesterday: I would ordinarily sooner eat rat than shop at Wal-Mart, but that's the only place that had what I needed yesterday, so I purposely parked as far away from the entrance as I could, figuring that fat, stupid fonkies like you who open their doors without paying any attention to whether there's another vehicle next to you wouldn't want to walk any farther than you had to. Little did I know that you parked way out there so you could get your Medicare scooter out of your car and drag your oxygen tank and your four pack a day butt in to buy your monthly supply of Cheez-its. I hope you die and get reincarnated as a shopping cart at Wal-Mart, you ignorant moron.
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feetsdontfail
-4 Rank Up Rank Down
Apr 4, 2010
To the person who dinged my brand-new vehicle's driver's side door at the Hodgkins Wal-Mart yesterday: I would ordinarily sooner eat rat than shop at Wal-Mart, but that's the only place that had what I needed yesterday, so I purposely parked as far away from the entrance as I could, figuring that fat, stupid fonkies like you who open their doors without paying any attention to whether there's another vehicle next to you wouldn't want to walk any farther than you had to. Little did I know that you parked way out there so you could get your Medicare scooter out of your car and drag your oxygen tank and your four pack a day butt in to buy your monthly supply of Cheez-its. I hope you die and get reincarnated as a shopping cart at Wal-Mart, you ignorant moron.
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feetsdontfail
-3 Rank Up Rank Down
Apr 4, 2010
To the person who dinged my brand-new vehicle's driver's side door at the Hodgkins Wal-Mart yesterday: I would ordinarily sooner eat rat than shop at Wal-Mart, but that's the only place that had what I needed yesterday, so I purposely parked as far away from the entrance as I could, figuring that fat, stupid fonkies like you who open their doors without paying any attention to whether there's another vehicle next to you wouldn't want to walk any farther than you had to. Little did I know that you parked way out there so you could get your Medicare scooter out of your car and drag your oxygen tank and your four pack a day butt in to buy your monthly supply of Cheez-its. I hope you die and get reincarnated as a shopping cart at Wal-Mart, you ignorant moron.
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feetsdontfail
-2 Rank Up Rank Down
Apr 4, 2010
To the person who dinged my brand-new vehicle's driver's side door at the Hodgkins Wal-Mart yesterday: I would ordinarily sooner eat rat than shop at Wal-Mart, but that's the only place that had what I needed yesterday, so I purposely parked as far away from the entrance as I could, figuring that fat, stupid fonkies like you who open their doors without paying any attention to whether there's another vehicle next to you wouldn't want to walk any farther than you had to. Little did I know that you parked way out there so you could get your Medicare scooter out of your car and drag your oxygen tank and your four pack a day butt in to buy your monthly supply of Cheez-its. I hope you die and get reincarnated as a shopping cart at Wal-Mart, you ignorant moron.
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larocca
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
Apr 1, 2010
As you push those ladders and drive those forklifts up and down the aisles in a mad dash to restock those shelves which already have enough stuff to supply a small African nation, do you think your life would be easier if customers just quit coming into the store altogether and getting in your way?
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blur4448
+4 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 31, 2010
There are many things that I like during spring and summer. Your dog's poo on my lawn isn't among those things. When I go to mow the lawn there's a pile of dog poo on the lawn just like clockwork. Here's a piece of advice for you. Either bring a poo bag with you or I shoot the disgusting animal. Thank you and have a nice day.
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DougDean
+5 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 29, 2010
To one of the two clueless iPhone yakkers that are colluding together to block traffic in both lanes (I don't care which one)

1. End your conversation and put down your iPhone (you obviously cannot handle more than one task at a time)

2. Pull your thumb out of your @$$

3. Get into the other lane so that the 97 people behind the two of you can get out and around so as to put as much distance as possible between you (and others like you) and themselves

4. In the future, when you look in your rear view mirror and see a line of 50 or more cars, please refer to these instructions
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jackheathcomau
+32 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 25, 2010
Dear housemate,

When you said my cat was a waste of space who did nothing but sit around all day gaining weight and meowing for food, you probably didn't mean to call attention to the irony. Next time you make that statement, perhaps you shouldn't be lying on the couch with an entire roast chicken on your TV tray, you fat, lazy, gluttonous hypocrite.

Also, when I accused you of intentionally tormenting the cat with loud noises and physical violence, your defense of "If I didn't do that, his life would be boring" needs some work. Maybe you could try, "I'm getting so large it's impossible to walk quietly or move without injuring bystanders"?

After I took the cat to my parents for his own protection, it took you almost a week to notice that "the house seems less annoying." I have to say, I didn't perceive it that way. Could you double-check your data?

And finally, your attempts to lure a STRAY cat into the house with food scraps are baffling. If you wanted a cat, what was wrong with the one we had? If you don't want a cat, then what the hell are you doing? I'm concerned that the second it pukes, poops or meows, or inconveniences you in any other way, you'll cease to care for it - but by then it may well be dependent on us as a food source.

If you are, as I suspect, intending to kill and eat it, I feel obligated to offer a warning - I think it can outrun you.
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coldtoes
+21 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 25, 2010
To Person One: Here, I wanted to share these documents with you. This is a list of things that are your job. And this one is a list of things that are my job. You'll notice that there is nothing from your list that is on my list. And you'll notice that all twelve of the things you asked me to do yesterday are actually on your list. I know. It's confusing. But I'll let you keep your list for future reference.

To Person Two: If you need to belittle me and trample on months of hard work, I would appreciate it if you could bestir yourself to talk to me, or, heck, even email me, personally instead of having your minion do it. Even your minion is embarrassed by the things you come up with to complain about.

To Person Two, part two: Please stop asking me what I would do to improve the company. I can't tell you, because what I would do to improve the company is throw you under a bus. I know you think that no one ever offers suggestions because you're so fabulous and we love, love, love our jobs soooo much. But it's really because the one thing we'd change is being managed by a bipolar narcissist who receives "suggestions" as if they are slurs against her first born.

And finally, dear, dear minion: grow a backbone!
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Sijez
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 25, 2010
Be open to my feedback. All this !$%*!$%* up isn't necessary, and you can avoid discussing it but everyone notices, which is awful, and then impediments are compounded and errors repeated. Most people I don't hold back on, but you're prone to creating a tense environment as you go and then not delivering, and raising anything seems to make matters worse. Be open to feedback.
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callmebeerbaron
+5 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 24, 2010
Yep, I get that you are keen on jesus and think glenn beck is earth's most precious resource. I also get that I married your granddaughter, and you think she should have held out for a f&^ing Rockefeller. Or maybe the corpse of Reagan. Whatever.

I don't care about your opinions. I don't care about glenn beck's opinions. In fact, if you never spoke again, we *migh* have a shot at something approaching a familial relationship. Lacking that... Read a book that wasn't ghost-written (or even one containing "facts"! try it! you might just like it!) , shut the flying f^*k up about our lives, and die already!

...Surely there is a "Death Panel" with your name on it <i>somewhere</i>...

Ahhhhhhh.... much better.

[Scott - a public service. My thanks for providing a random forum for this.]
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organization_man
+7 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 24, 2010
In the men's room, keep your friggin' hands to yourself, moron!
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benbrew
+7 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 24, 2010

1) Scrape that "My kid is an honor roll student" bumper sticker off your vehicle. If you were honest, that bumper sticker would say, "My kid's a moron like I am."

2) Trade in that SUV for a civilian vehicle. What are you trying to do, invade Poland? What good is 4-wheel drive or big tires when the most adventurous place you ever go to is the mall? You ignorant, pampered bag of excrement.

3) Stop watching Survivor. It's absurd contests and "alliances" and backstabbing. Is your life so empty that you have to fill your evening with this sh*t? Hey, here's a preposterous idea: read a f*ckin' book.

4) Get off your fat ass. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but the reason you're so fat is that you eat too much and expend too little energy. No, you don't have a glandular problem. You are a typical lazy American, and that is why you're fat. You fat f*ck.
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benbrew
+6 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 24, 2010
Your kid is a whining !$%*! because you don’t have the balls to smack him when he deserves it, or even tell him when he's being a whiny little turd, because you might hurt his fragile ego. Children need to be told when they’re misbehaving, and if that makes them feel uncomfortable, then perhaps that will provide incentive for them to stop pissing everyone off. Simon says go f*** yourself.
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benbrew
-7 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 24, 2010
To various people I have worked with (names changed):

Marcia, I know your entire life story because I’ve had to hear your personal phone conversations five and a half hours a day for eight years. I know about your three divorces, your four appearances in traffic court, your daughter’s illegitimate child, your son’s arrests, and your mother’s !$%*!$%*!$%*! I hope you get fingered by Captain Hook.

Sandy, you useless pile of doody. I cannot believe a human being can be as stupid as you are. You routinely took hours to perform tasks that my 12-year-old cousin could do in five minutes. And he’s retarded. It took me ten times as long to review your “work” and correct your mistakes as it would’ve taken me to do the work myself. You probably have to reach inside your bra to count to 2.

Frank, you ass-kissing fraud. Why management can’t see what a useless suit you are is beyond me. Maybe it’s because they’re all useless suits too, so you fit right in. I hope you get ass-raped by a clown with syphilis.


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larocca
+22 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 24, 2010
Yes, I knew when I bought the ticket that it was non-refundable. But that ticket was a birthday present for Mom, who died the day before the cruise. I know you don't really have to give me a refund. We can just dig Mom up and throw her on a boat instead. But I don't think she'd enjoy it very much.

(I didn't actually hold that one in. I got my refund.)
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larocca
+12 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 24, 2010
If the dishes don't actually touch the water, they're not really soaking. Why is that so difficult to understand?
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amjoda
+23 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 24, 2010
You should be grateful that your birthday card on for your 18th birthday didn't include a congratulations card for your husband saying "Congrats your wife is finally legal!" I'd also like to state: don't !$%*! to me that your life sucks and you're dead broke when I WARNED YOU. I said this is gonna be really hard and you got so ticked off at me you didn't talk to me for six frigging months. But now I'm supposed to sit here and be sympathetic b/c everything has gone wrong and your life, quite frankly SUCKS, and is only made worse by you being completely retarded with money.

It doesn't matter how good a deal it is - it might normally be 500 and you're getting it for 200 but guess what sweetie - thats 200 YOU DON'T HAVE.

And yeah, you got a really rough deal, you ignored me, again, and got pregnant as soon as humanly possible, and you thought you'd still be able to school and a baby, and now, while the kid might be one of the sweetest spirits on the planet, the baby is special needs and requires your personal full time care and an obscene number of doctors and therapist, so the odds of you getting to finish school in the next century? Crap.

So please don't be happy for me when I put off relationships and worked my butt off to put myself through school, and I've now graduated and yeah I married a guy who comes from money. He doesn't have much himself but he comes from it. So please sit there and whine to me about how hard your life is, and how you hate people that "just have it all handed to them because they just don't know how hard it is" and how you've been on your own since you were 17 (which was only b/c you decided to skip school, get married and have a baby RIGHT AWAY) and how you hate those people who don't have to work as hard as you do.

Because I don't know you're really talking about me and my husband and don't hate me because I kept it in my pants and worked my ass off for years so that I can have it a bit easier now. I warned you. You made this bed and now you get to sleep in it. So shut the hell up and be happy for me for once in your life.
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