My first rating was due in a new position and my own PHB forgot to do it. So he picked up the one for a coworker in the same position and said, 'Just read Tom's. You two are about the same'.
Subject: Performance review
Your performance this past year was the best in our department. In fact, you succeeded in completing every assignment on time and with a thoroughness and effectiveness we rarely see.
However, we expected you to fail miserably at all of your assigned tasks. As you did not meet our expectation we will not be giving you a raise this year and we are placing a letter of reprimand in your personnel file.